The parent trap

In Elizabeth Gilbert's bestselling book, ‘Eat Pray Love’, the author's no-nonsense sister equates having children with a tattoo on the face! Both are forever and one must consider the prospect of having either of the two, long and carefully.

Having theories about parenting and actually being responsible for another life for the rest of your life are two different things. Regardless of the information overload today, to be a parent is a uniquely personal experience. You know this as a mother when you have a deadline to meet, your home computer is down and your two-year-old is being amused by the Internet parlour owner while you madly pound the keyboard. Or when you carry your eleven-month old with a sheepish grin on your face, to a job interview. Or when you have a five-month-old in your lap and you turn the pages of the newspaper with your feet.

Or when you see your one-year-old lying unattended on a cold floor in a creche, burning with fever and you decide that you will chuck your full time job.

Purnima Castelino D'abreo who worked in the hospitality  industry for nine years has been at home with Tarosh, her first born for nearly an year and already her career seems to her like a distant memory. She says, “I want to stay home with my son and never want to leave him with anyone else and at the same time, I can't envision not working again. Motherhood does take over every aspect of your life and changes everything that you took for granted. There are two conflicting women inside me. One wants a career and wants to go back to work and the other is a mom, who does not want to miss the first tooth, the first crawl.”

She recalls her own childhood and says, “Motherhood is a lot more complex than when we were kids. It was a real joy to have my mom around all the time.”

“To have biscuits and a  glass of milk waiting for me every day when I came from school. To have my parents at the dining table. Now, even though I want to give my son the solid foundation I got, I also want everything my mother did not have. The aspirations are different. I want to travel, to earn my own money. These are very important, critical things for me. I want my child to see me as someone who does other things apart from changing diapers. Yet I can't bear to have him depend on someone else. I want to be a mom and also be able to step out and have a life of my own.”  

Freelance photographer Sharmila Shah is back behind the camera post the birth of her son Arjun and says, “I have already started work but initially, everything was a big question mark. I felt guilty about going to the parlour, meeting friends, leaving him with someone else. I worried if he was crying. If he was being fed properly. But I have learnt now that if I am okay, so will he be.”

She adds, “The tough part begins when you go through pregnancy not just physically but mentally. Not many people realise that even though you are a mother, your are also a young woman in her 20s who had a life of her own. People expect you to just be a mom and it is a big climb up from a life of independence. That is why so many women go through post-partum depression. Their hormones are messed up, there is a total absence of personal space. It is absolutely crucial hence that the family support system is in place.”

Family support vital

Sharmila is thankful that she could go back to work because of family support and her husband and says, “It is important to stay positive and to decide that despite being a mom, you are going to be the person that you are. Get extra help if you can afford it. When I shoot every third or fourth day, go for a dinner with my husband, meet friends over the weekend, I feel happy and a happy mom translates into a happy baby.  You can make or break your life and 20 years from now, I want my son to be proud that I did something with my life and set standards for myself. My first priority is still my son and I don't work or socialise when he needs me. The question whether I will raise a secure child is always at the back of my mind and maybe my generation wants too much but mothers should not let themselves and their lives go.”

Cutting their teeth

Filmmaker Mohena Singh refuses to over-analyse parenthood and says matter-of-factly, “I don't think, my life has changed all that much post my daughter. It is a continuum. There is too much brouhaha and neurosis over parenthood today. Didn't our parents have us, did what they had to do and didn't everyone survive? Give your best to your children and then trust them to do the rest. Why make so much fuss? Do your homework before becoming a parent and be prepared for your new life and if you can't handle it, don't be a parent. I have great friends and household help who take care of Anika or I take her to the shoots with me. All you need is clarity and then you can make your way out of this whirlpool.”   

Peter Ustinov once commented, “Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth” and senior media professional Kalpana Shah, mother of thirteen-year- old Sukanya, and six- year-old, Sham agrees but concedes that there is more to parenting than sacrifice.

Says she, “Women take parenting very seriously but now they are not satisfied with just being moms. They don't want to waste their education. They want their kids to know them as  individuals and not just as mothers. Today's mothers will be hopefully raising a generation of self-aware kids who know that work is important to women too. It is healthier if children see their mother exuding a sense of achievement rather than sacrifice.”

She says the world is a fast evolving and parents need to keep pace, “Environmental issues are overpowering and because our children are going to live in this world longer than us, we must start living with less plastic and grow more aware. My world has grown better, richer, bigger because of my kids even though I don't get to read as many books or watch as many films as I would like to!”      

What about fathers?

And what roles do fathers play in new-age parenting? Kalpana says though fathers have evolved beyond the roles of traditional bread winners with just a token presence in their child's life and are far more actively involved in PTAs and planning recreational activities, the day-to-day responsibility towards a child, imparting primary life lessons is still a woman's work.

Sharmila says, “My husband has been totally supportive during pregnancy, delivery and now” but Mohena believes that for most fathers, staying up with a child and changing diapers through the night is a momentous event. 

A funny quip goes, “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories!” But PR professional Sridevi Rao has raised her daughter with certain parenting ground rules.

“I always worked around my daughter's schedules but now she is 18 and there is an unspoken understanding between us that when I need to work, she will adjust. We both know the value of quality time and don't take it for granted. Right from the time, she was a baby, I have given time that was dedicated just to her. Right from the beginning I have encouraged her to talk about everything, be it the day at school or friends. I told her that since I can't read her thoughts, she has to tell me what is going on with her. I was never indifferent when she talked and always listened. Communication is key to parenting today and so is mutual respect.” 

The last word would have to come from Bill Cosby who wrote in his famous book ‘Fatherhood’, “In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.  You just need a lot of love and luck — and, of course, courage.”