'Time out' is disguised cruelty

opinion Srijaya Char speaks against the westernised concept of time-out as a punishment

First, what exactly is ‘time out’? “Go and stay in your room for 15 minutes and don’t come out”
“Go to your naughty chair. Sit there until I call you.”
The above are alternatives for beating that was practiced liberally in age old times. It was from the west that the parents learnt that ‘spanking’ was a less harmful punishment. Since  even that is not approved of, the latest, most politically correct form of punishment, is ‘timing out’.


Yet, this type of punishment for children, whatever be their age, has never struck me as right either. Physical restraint is almost equal to physical, mental and verbal abuse.
Seclusion of a child for misbehaviour is thought to be the ‘softest’ way of punishment. Many well-educated and kind-hearted parents resort to this, feeling that they are not doing much harm by asking their children to sit in a corner or be in a room for 10 or 15 minutes and think over their behaviour.
The time of seclusion, however short, as far as the child is concerned, is humiliating. During the minutes she is being ‘timed out’ she will only develop resentment against the parent or the elder who has enforced this.
When I interviewed a few parents, elders and teachers who indulge in this method of reproach, they wondered if there were better ways to punish children. After all, there are times when children need to be restrained to prevent them from harming others or themselves.

Time in

It is always better to support and appreciate good behaviour than to condemn bad behaviour. There are alternative methods, like ‘time-in’.
The website http://peaceful-parenting.suite101.com lists out the several advantages of ‘time in’. To quote the website:

* Time-in focuses on gaining peace between all concerned rather than on right or wrong. It shows the willingness of the adults to help the child and convey that love is unconditional and unphased by any undesired behaviour.
* Time-in is time together. It assumes that the undesired behaviour per-se is unpleasant and not the child concerned. It shows that the adult is willing to help and gains connection and mutual well-being.
* Time-in is about feeling good. It is a positive reinforcement of the parent, adult or the teacher.
When a child misbehaves, the best thing to do is to call the child near to you, sit with her, maybe even hug her, and not speak a word. Later, you can do some small talk, tell a joke, a short story or recite a nice short poem.
Togetherness in spite of a bout of ‘bad behaviour’ from the child affirms the unconditional love of the parent. The child may have been behaving badly because of some disappointment that she has not been able to express. The adult should comfort the pain that the child is going through, by asking the child, very gently, the reason for the kind of ‘behaviour’ she had resorted to a while ago.
Then tell her, “Okay now, watch me enact what you did just a few minutes ago.” If she is unwilling to watch you, leave her alone. It shows that she has understood that her ‘behaviour’ was not acceptable.
As a parent, and now a grand parent, I have never believed in punitive discipline. It is not effective in the long term, let alone in the short term. The punished child may appear to ‘behave’ as soon as time-out is over but doesn’t feel good. She isn’t internally motivated. Time-out causes psychological ‘resentment’ to brew and the child loses respect for elders.

Arguments

I have had arguments with parents regarding such things. One parent argued that her eight-year-old daughter does not even allow her to hug or kiss her when she is angry. Even if she did try to console her, her child would run and lock herself in a room.
Some parents say that ‘time-out’ helps the child realise that she has done something wrong. Perhaps, but have they thought about the consequences it has on their self-esteem?
The site, ‘Peaceful parenting’, says “time-out is punitive and contains a shame element”. It is a negative reinforcement of undesired behaviour.
On the other hand, when children regard themselves through the eyes of their parents who give them ‘time-in’ responses, it makes their love seem unshakable. Time-outs carry potential to damage the ‘deep’ and ‘intrinsic’ relationship between parent and child.
The trouble with practising time-out on an angry child by arbitrarily restricting privileges is that the parent ends up making the child angrier, shares a mother (who identifies herself as mamaduck) on an online forum. Over time, many children spiral out of control in ever increasing frustration and rage.
If a parent does not believe in ‘timing-in’, one can think of ‘time-away’ to cool off, adds mamaduck from her experiences as a “disciplinarian”. She says it can be very helpful to just leave your child alone. Even if the results are not immediate, there will be a gradual transition from anger to calmness within a few minutes.

Touchy parents

Some parents get awfully upset if their child says, “I am angry with you because you are bad. I hate you.” So how must parents respond when their kids lash out in this manner?
There are two alternatives. One is, to not say anything. The other, if you feel you must say something, is to tell the kid, “Okay, I am bad. You hate me. That’s perfectly alright with me because I still love you.”
We all love our children. But we do have some difficult times with them. If you can practice self-restrain during those moments, there is nothing in the world as joyful as the company of our children.