Pruning and preening your teen

Teenage kids have enough of their own problems, even without your badgering and finger-wagging at them, writes Alvina Clara.

Teens of today have an unspoken message for their parents: “If you’ve got resolutions, we’ve got rebellion. If you’ve got arguments, we’ve got attitude!” What a paradox the life of teenagers is... These individuals are neither kids nor adults!

In the maze phase of life, teens undergo a sort of elaborate spasmic jig of exhilarated and exhausted feelings all at once. The teen transition phase in every child’s life is very chaotic and often drains parents trying to deal with them on a daily basis. The teens live at a very superficial level, succumb easily to bad peer pressure and are not able to accurately distinguish between right or wrong.

From the other end, the television and internet expose them to a whole different “glam” world. All around them, the media is subtly preaching that it is okay to do anything that makes you feel good. You are “cool” only if you have the latest gadgets, and dress like an icon to grab attention. The shows on television for this age group say all is fair in teenage - be it bullying, vulgar or skimpy dressing, premarital sex, violent behaviour, breaking rules, drug addiction. This leads to a trapped labyrinth that manifests into rebellious or aggressive behaviours that defy all odds.

Parenting teens, as taxing as it might be, needs a paradigm shift. Easy said than done, parents need to strike the right balance. For starters, complaining less and being more involved with them yourself might help. Emphasising the dos instead of the don’ts must be top on parent’s list. Here are ways to understand teens from their perspectives:

Coming to terms with their body

The angelic appearance of childhood gone, they are looking at strangers in the mirror: gawky, lopsided limbs, facial hair, pubic hair, and acne to mention a few. The hormone changes in the body make them fidgety, moody and irritated.

In search of their own identity

Teens struggle to find their own place in the society, to be recognized by peers and accepted for what they are. They are very bothered about the labels they might get - “nerd”, “geek”, “gossip girl”, “tomboy”, “pimply”, and the likes... There is a lot of insecurity and anxiety resulting from such social acceptance issues.

Tangled in the social media web

Teenagers are tied to three lifelines - the internet, cell phone, and television. On the social front, a new and tantalizing horizon opens up - dating, partying, hanging out with friends, vying for attention, amid constant distractions caused media, music, and internet relationships.

Neglecting health for “beauty”

The eating habits of most teens are erratic and unmonitored. The girls are follow crash diets, developing an anorexic look (to be popular) and the boys stuff themselves with unwholesome, fatty, high calorie junk food. Teen health is at high risk and it’s no wonder that this generation now is the victim of every obvious health problem.

Unstable emotions

It is a phase of chaos in scheduling, prioritizing, achieving, fulfilling parental expectations and conforming to peers’ expectations. The teen is unable to effectively handle all this under considerable emotional pressure. This is reflected in mood swings, from aggression to depression right down to a complete breakdown of the individual.

Peer pressure

Teens, to be accepted among peers, feel the need to become more trendy. The most immature and easy way out could lead them to other problems like formation of unacceptable habits, substance abuse, getting into trouble with the law.

Suffocation from expectations

Often, parents live their dreams through their children; this is when the pressure builds. Expecting the teenager to excel in academics, get good grades, bring in accolades from extracurricular activities - is in itself enough pressure. Frequently, teens arrive at decisions which conflict with their own skills or fields of interest. This suffocates their desires and dreams, making them feel lost.

These situations often put parents in a fix. Questions with no obvious answers pop up: Did we falter in their upbringing? Where have we gone wrong in raising them? How do I make my child understand (s)he is treading an erroneous path?

As a parent, how do you get through this wearisome time of transition?

Here are some inputs to go easy on your teenagers:
* Keep faith, be patient: Listen to their point of view. Give it a good thought before you trash it. Don’t hasten to deal with them immediately. Let them calm down before having a candid talk to rectify their behaviours. Punishing teenagers does not really work. Disciplining teenagers does. Criticize bad behaviour, but not the individual. Appreciate them for good behaviours.

* Keep pride to yourself: Your children are children; not vessels that carry your pride! So when they slip up, don’t let your ego go for a toss! Instead, give wings to their desires, dreams, and decisions. Do not impose your dreams on them; help them build their own.

*  Respect their privacy : Quizzing them endlessly and going through their things with a fine tooth comb will not upsurge anything impressive. If you constantly confront them, they will be appalled and will never trust you again. Do not embarrass them! Treat them with respect and value them as grown-up individuals.

* Stay connected: While they may want to be left alone for most of the time, teens want to be treated like grown-ups. So, try and involve them in family finance; they can learn to manage money. Encourage them to take tuition to younger students, or help a neighbour out. It will teach them to earn pocket money, and the responsibility of being a grown-up at the same time.

* Do not compare: Never under-estimate teen kids. It tarnishes their fragile self-esteem. Accept that each child is unique, focusing on individual talents and strengths. If you are concerned about your child’s lack of ambition, share your worries, bluntly and honestly. Teens respond better to direct criticism than comparisons.

*  Managing “the talk”: Don’t be anti-sex or anti-drug! The media is full of sexual and explicit content, and it is anyday better that your children get the right information from you than a garbled version from the wrong sources. If you are not comfortable talking to them about it directly, stack-up informational and educative books, magazines, and articles in their rooms.

*  Share a meal daily : A family that dines together, stays together. Sit with your teen at the table and switch off the television. As you savour the meal together, encourage them to talk about the events that they have experienced throughout the day at school or with friends. Listen to them carefully and talk openly about the dire consequences of substance abuse, illogical dating, premarital-sex, drugs, alcohol, and other bad habits.

However, put your foot down on outrageous ‘fashion’ such as extreme body piercing, unhealthy tattoos, or vulgar clothes that your teen might try to pass off as “personal style” or in the name of “individuality”! If matters seem like they may get out of hand, exercise your right to impede. Just set acceptable limits.

Help them make mature decisions with time. Let them know that you don’t always have all the answers and you too are not always right. But beyond anything, love and cherish your teens, and express your affection to them in subtle ways. Don’t worry too much. Teenage is just another phase, they will grow out of it - we all did.