<p>Kate Middleton is expecting her third baby and the ladies have nothing else to talk about. “Didn’t you get married the same year as Kate? I guess, you must be feeling the pressure,” teased a dear friend. On WhatsApp groups, women are busy reminding those in their 30s about the biological clock that’s furiously ticking away; there’s envy for the royalty blessed with governesses; there’s frustration for lesser mortals like us who can’t have it all…<br /><br />Around the same time, a woman was chosen to hold the position of the defence minister of India independently, for the first time in the history of the country. Yet, there has been absolutely no mention of Nirmala Sitharaman in any of my WhatsApp groups. I wonder why! Is it because we don’t aspire to be her? Is it because she is an exception, not a rule? Is it because we don’t dare to look beyond the ‘bucket list for women’ that has been passed down for generations?<br /><br />It’s about time we break the vicious cycle for our daughters. This Daughters’ Day is as good an occasion as any to start treating them as equals — in letter and spirit; to inspire them to dream big; to equip them to fight life’s battles on their own terms. Easier said than done, you think? Not if you follow these seven commandments to raise confident daughters.<br /><br />1 Thou shalt be ‘fair and lovely’<br /><br />Anita Singh, 33, recalls how she always knew that her parents were “embarrassed” of her. “I was this really dusky, scrawny kid, while my siblings were rather fair and chubby. Though they never really said it in as many words, there were numerous instances when I could sense their discomfort around me, especially during family functions,” says the PR professional, who still feels self-conscious about her looks.<br /><br />Most parents, perhaps, don’t realise this. But biases — even when they are subconscious — can scar children for life. Don’t judge the book by its cover, they say. The same rule should apply to daughters too. Let’s be fair in our mindsets and lovely in our conduct towards them.<br /><br />2 Thou shalt not perpetuate gender stereotypes<br /><br />Five-year-old Sara loves to dress in pink for birthday parties and family gatherings, but when she goes to play cricket or football with her cousins, she prefers “boy colours”. “I didn’t realise it until Sara recently told me how pink is for pretty and blue for brave. Her cousins — all boys — never wear pink,” shares her stunned mother.<br /><br />Certain gender stereotypes — like pink for girls and blue for boys — may seem innocuous, but the inherent prejudices can be hard to beat. Gender identity begins at home. We need to embrace the feminine and masculine qualities that exist in each of us, albeit in different measures. Whoever said boys can’t play with kitchen sets and Barbies, while girls fly helicopters and drones!<br /><br />3 Thou shalt teach her to stand up for herself<br /><br />In Ramayana, when Sita accompanies Ram on his 14-year vanvas, she considers it her sacred duty towards her husband. Urmila, Laxman’s wife, on the other hand, is forced to stay back, as her husband cannot afford any distractions in his duty towards protecting Ram and Sita. Both newly-married women make sacrifices that change the course of history. And, centuries later, give gender studies scholars much to debate about.<br /><br />Selflessness is a noble virtue, but it is not gender-specific. Girls needn’t feel pressured to be the ideal sacrificial lambs, grinning and bearing it all. Only when gender equations at home change — and parents lead by example — will daughters learn to say ‘no’ to domestic abuse, workplace harassment and the many injustices that life metes out to them.<br /><br />4 Thou shalt not make marriage the mantra<br /><br />The recent Bollywood movie Badrinath Ki Dulhania, puts it succinctly: Boy = asset, girl = liability. The financial burden apart, parents of Indian girls are constantly worried about finding the right guy, with the right horoscope, and the right family. That’s too much to worry about.<br /><br />Understandably, the average Indian girl is far from immune to the pressure. Right from the time she is born, she knows she’s ‘paraya dhan’ (not her parents’ property). Despite all her academic and professional achievements, her ultimate worth will be judged by her standing in the marriage market. And later, by her ability to bear male heirs to carry forward the family name! Isn’t it time we stop making matrimony and motherhood the end goals for our daughters? Just as marriage and fatherhood aren’t the sole ambitions we have for our sons.<br /><br />5 Thou shalt be the wind beneath her wings<br /><br />“I want to raise my daughters exactly the way my parents raised me — only without the fear psychosis,” says Nandini Sen, mother of two teenage girls. “I will not ask them to wear ‘decent’ clothes so that they remain safe; I will not ask them to get home before dark so that they stay secure; I will not ask them to live in constant fear of something untoward happening to them if they aren’t careful enough,” she explains.<br /><br />Even with the best of intentions, sometimes, parents tend to relentlessly chip away at their daughters’ self-esteem and confidence. We need to stop pointing fingers at victims of sexual assault and abuse. We need to stop insinuating that too much of intelligence and independence is a handicap in women. What children — girls as much as boys — need are wings, not crutches.<br /><br />6 Thou shalt not give her backhanded compliments<br /><br />Indira Gandhi was called “the only man in her cabinet”; actor Preity Zinta “the only man in Bollywood” for daring to testify against the Mumbai underworld when male superstars refused to do so. In other words, to be a brave woman, you have to be ‘like a man’. Isn’t that ridiculous?<br /><br />Let’s start praising our daughters not just for their compassion and warmth, but also for their ambition and audacity. As girls, not despite being girls. “You are a good driver for a woman” is not really a compliment that flatters anyone.<br /><br />7 Thou shalt value her for who she is<br /><br />At the heart of India’s skewed sex ratio and distressing female foeticide figures lies our innate lack of value for the girl child. While government initiatives like ‘Beti Bachao Beti Padhao’ (save daughter, educate daughter) are attempting to remedy the situation, real change demands change in mindsets. Not just in India’s villages and slums, but also in middle-class and affluent homes in our cities and small towns.<br /><br />Let’s not value our daughters only for their perfect scores in schools and culinary skills at home; let’s not value them only for their professional accolades and housekeeping abilities; let’s value them first and foremost as individuals with minds of their own. Let’s inspire them not to be apologetic for who they are. Because confidence comes from self-worth.<br /><br />As we celebrate our daughters, let’s not forget our daughters-in-law, grand-daughters and others’ daughters, who make this world a better place. It’s not really easy being a girl in the world of manspreading and mansplaining.<br /><br />Yes, tomorrow is just another day. Daughters’ Day. Like every day should be.<br /></p>
<p>Kate Middleton is expecting her third baby and the ladies have nothing else to talk about. “Didn’t you get married the same year as Kate? I guess, you must be feeling the pressure,” teased a dear friend. On WhatsApp groups, women are busy reminding those in their 30s about the biological clock that’s furiously ticking away; there’s envy for the royalty blessed with governesses; there’s frustration for lesser mortals like us who can’t have it all…<br /><br />Around the same time, a woman was chosen to hold the position of the defence minister of India independently, for the first time in the history of the country. Yet, there has been absolutely no mention of Nirmala Sitharaman in any of my WhatsApp groups. I wonder why! Is it because we don’t aspire to be her? Is it because she is an exception, not a rule? Is it because we don’t dare to look beyond the ‘bucket list for women’ that has been passed down for generations?<br /><br />It’s about time we break the vicious cycle for our daughters. This Daughters’ Day is as good an occasion as any to start treating them as equals — in letter and spirit; to inspire them to dream big; to equip them to fight life’s battles on their own terms. Easier said than done, you think? Not if you follow these seven commandments to raise confident daughters.<br /><br />1 Thou shalt be ‘fair and lovely’<br /><br />Anita Singh, 33, recalls how she always knew that her parents were “embarrassed” of her. “I was this really dusky, scrawny kid, while my siblings were rather fair and chubby. Though they never really said it in as many words, there were numerous instances when I could sense their discomfort around me, especially during family functions,” says the PR professional, who still feels self-conscious about her looks.<br /><br />Most parents, perhaps, don’t realise this. But biases — even when they are subconscious — can scar children for life. Don’t judge the book by its cover, they say. The same rule should apply to daughters too. Let’s be fair in our mindsets and lovely in our conduct towards them.<br /><br />2 Thou shalt not perpetuate gender stereotypes<br /><br />Five-year-old Sara loves to dress in pink for birthday parties and family gatherings, but when she goes to play cricket or football with her cousins, she prefers “boy colours”. “I didn’t realise it until Sara recently told me how pink is for pretty and blue for brave. Her cousins — all boys — never wear pink,” shares her stunned mother.<br /><br />Certain gender stereotypes — like pink for girls and blue for boys — may seem innocuous, but the inherent prejudices can be hard to beat. Gender identity begins at home. We need to embrace the feminine and masculine qualities that exist in each of us, albeit in different measures. Whoever said boys can’t play with kitchen sets and Barbies, while girls fly helicopters and drones!<br /><br />3 Thou shalt teach her to stand up for herself<br /><br />In Ramayana, when Sita accompanies Ram on his 14-year vanvas, she considers it her sacred duty towards her husband. Urmila, Laxman’s wife, on the other hand, is forced to stay back, as her husband cannot afford any distractions in his duty towards protecting Ram and Sita. Both newly-married women make sacrifices that change the course of history. And, centuries later, give gender studies scholars much to debate about.<br /><br />Selflessness is a noble virtue, but it is not gender-specific. Girls needn’t feel pressured to be the ideal sacrificial lambs, grinning and bearing it all. Only when gender equations at home change — and parents lead by example — will daughters learn to say ‘no’ to domestic abuse, workplace harassment and the many injustices that life metes out to them.<br /><br />4 Thou shalt not make marriage the mantra<br /><br />The recent Bollywood movie Badrinath Ki Dulhania, puts it succinctly: Boy = asset, girl = liability. The financial burden apart, parents of Indian girls are constantly worried about finding the right guy, with the right horoscope, and the right family. That’s too much to worry about.<br /><br />Understandably, the average Indian girl is far from immune to the pressure. Right from the time she is born, she knows she’s ‘paraya dhan’ (not her parents’ property). Despite all her academic and professional achievements, her ultimate worth will be judged by her standing in the marriage market. And later, by her ability to bear male heirs to carry forward the family name! Isn’t it time we stop making matrimony and motherhood the end goals for our daughters? Just as marriage and fatherhood aren’t the sole ambitions we have for our sons.<br /><br />5 Thou shalt be the wind beneath her wings<br /><br />“I want to raise my daughters exactly the way my parents raised me — only without the fear psychosis,” says Nandini Sen, mother of two teenage girls. “I will not ask them to wear ‘decent’ clothes so that they remain safe; I will not ask them to get home before dark so that they stay secure; I will not ask them to live in constant fear of something untoward happening to them if they aren’t careful enough,” she explains.<br /><br />Even with the best of intentions, sometimes, parents tend to relentlessly chip away at their daughters’ self-esteem and confidence. We need to stop pointing fingers at victims of sexual assault and abuse. We need to stop insinuating that too much of intelligence and independence is a handicap in women. What children — girls as much as boys — need are wings, not crutches.<br /><br />6 Thou shalt not give her backhanded compliments<br /><br />Indira Gandhi was called “the only man in her cabinet”; actor Preity Zinta “the only man in Bollywood” for daring to testify against the Mumbai underworld when male superstars refused to do so. In other words, to be a brave woman, you have to be ‘like a man’. Isn’t that ridiculous?<br /><br />Let’s start praising our daughters not just for their compassion and warmth, but also for their ambition and audacity. As girls, not despite being girls. “You are a good driver for a woman” is not really a compliment that flatters anyone.<br /><br />7 Thou shalt value her for who she is<br /><br />At the heart of India’s skewed sex ratio and distressing female foeticide figures lies our innate lack of value for the girl child. While government initiatives like ‘Beti Bachao Beti Padhao’ (save daughter, educate daughter) are attempting to remedy the situation, real change demands change in mindsets. Not just in India’s villages and slums, but also in middle-class and affluent homes in our cities and small towns.<br /><br />Let’s not value our daughters only for their perfect scores in schools and culinary skills at home; let’s not value them only for their professional accolades and housekeeping abilities; let’s value them first and foremost as individuals with minds of their own. Let’s inspire them not to be apologetic for who they are. Because confidence comes from self-worth.<br /><br />As we celebrate our daughters, let’s not forget our daughters-in-law, grand-daughters and others’ daughters, who make this world a better place. It’s not really easy being a girl in the world of manspreading and mansplaining.<br /><br />Yes, tomorrow is just another day. Daughters’ Day. Like every day should be.<br /></p>
