Virus virility and karmic attacks

swalpa connect maadi

 A set down for the old ego. It’s important to know and understand your enemy before you wage battle, so, for the edification of  other technology-challenged creatures, I share some frequently asked questions and infrequently answered answers pertaining to this species that  is hell bent on destroying the world .

Where does data go when its swallowed by the bloody zztddxxxxrtpt virus?

If it’s good Christian stuff, it goes to heaven. If it is Buddhist, it is reincarnated in a higher form with all lower cases changed to upper cases. If its a set of dirty jokes about old spinsters, it goes to hell and appears in the nightmares of old computers.

Will flowers and agarbatti help in appeasing and deflecting the virus?

Try accompanying it with a secret mantra (given by a certified Norton Guru) to be whispered into your laptop 108 times every morning after a bath. You will then get a virus which will just mutate your data and not swallow it.

Is it okay to hate virus as much as you hate your weighing machine?

Hate only corrodes your inner child encouraging it to eat more. Try sending waves of love to the virus, ditto for weighing scale.
 
Does Bill Gates get virus attacks as often as I do?

The virus world is run on very strict cause and effect lines. The karmic factors at play do not spare anyone..not even the saintly Sonia Gandhi...I can tell from my secret  sources that virii are just waiting for Laloo Prasad Yadav to get computer literate to get at him.
 
Will a hot bath help my laptop get rid of its virus?

Please make sure to programme the temperature of water and the suability of the soap before you dunk your laptop in. Try a Vicks inhalation afterwards. It’s you, not the laptop, which will have gone to the great big heaven of dead chips by now.
 
Does the word virus stem from the Latin root of virile?

There is extensive research in progress on the sex life of virus. Initial findings point to a hyper rampant reproductive rate.Scientists are hopeful of  extracting a serum which will help human virility along.

Is it politically correct to throw your laptop in the potty and pull the flush while calling it some censorable names?

You can do as you wish with the laptop but it is politically correct to refer to virus as Electronic Micro-organisms.Not to be confused with micro orgasms which is blasphemy.
 
Who is General Failure and why does he want to get into my files?

He is just a harmless old man who has a fetish for risqué jokes. But if you threaten him with Norton, he turns  into a vampire.

How will I know if my laptop is possessed?

If the hard disk crashes everytime you get a spiritual email to be passed onto 21 people within six minutes , your laptop needs serious exorcism.
 
How will I know when my laptop virus has infected me?

You will get strange urges to lick the paint off your walls, bite your dog and marinate your hard disk in acid before grilling it. Seek psychiatric help immediately.