Better ways to bond with your colleagues

Gossiping might help initiate connects in the beginning, but people will eventually see through it, writes Aruna S.

After his first month at a new job, Rishab still feels like an outsider. He likes the work and gets along with his colleagues but envies Sindhu who also joined the company at the same time as him. Whereas he’s still tentative around peers in his department, Sindhu seems to have struck up bonds with people across the organization. She flits in and out of people’s cubicles, high-fives someone she barely knows and chats animatedly with different groups in the cafeteria.

One day, Rishab happens to share a cab ride with Sindhu from the metro station to the office. In the short ten-minute drive, she complains about their boss and reveals gossipy tidbits about various colleagues. Did you know that Shyam is going through a divorce? And that Mridula got ghosted by a guy on a dating app? Rishab starts wondering if this is what it takes to be popular.

Though Sindhu may be perceived as a people person initially, over time, her colleagues are likely to see through her charm. People like Sindhu, who are superficially friendly and revel in gossip, do not gain the trust of their colleagues and make poor team players. Building rapport with people is a skill that can be cultivated. Even introverts, who are shy and maybe even regarded as reclusive, can build bridges of connection with their colleagues.

In an article in Harvard Business Review, Christina Hillsberg provides a few pointers on what you can do to establish rapport with your workmates. Making yourself interesting and “well rounded” by cultivating various hobbies or skills allows you to find topics of common interest with other people.

However, don’t try to fake who you are. If you cannot necessarily find a common area of interest with another colleague, exhibit curiosity to learn about their niche interests.

Asking people open-ended questions also allows you to get to know them better. Instead of saying, “Do you like golf?” you may ask, “What excites you about golf?” By asking questions that entail some self-reflection on the part of the responder, you will discover novel and intriguing facets about them.

As Hillsberg notes, most people love talking about themselves. So, it is important to listen with intention and respond in a manner that keeps the conversation flowing.

In her book We Need to Talk, Celeste Headlee cites the work of Charles Derber, who classifies conversational responses into two categories. The “shift response” involves injecting yourself back into the conversation, whereas the “support response” attempts to dig deeper to figure out the other person’s perspective.

For example, if a colleague says he is very stressed because he has many deadlines, you may use the shift response and say, “I, too, have loads of work.” This comment will probably elicit a nod from your colleague, but you don’t gain any further insight into his predicament.

On the other hand, if you use the support response, you might ask, “Which project are you most worried about?” You will learn more about his situation by soliciting information about your colleague’s angst. The support response allows you to connect with people more deeply. You also convey that you are empathetic and care about their issues.

Of course, you must avoid overstepping into their personal space by asking intrusive questions. If a person is hesitant or evasive, it is prudent not to push.

Because most relationships are bidirectional, you must also share information about yourself. But you do not have to step out of your comfort zone by sharing everything. Share only what is necessary.

Also, pay attention to people’s body language when you are talking. Do they seem attentive? Are they asking support questions? Is the person interested in what you are talking about? Modulating your responses based on the listener’s non-verbal signals will help you invest in the right relationships.

Also, you need to be discerning at work when opening up about personal and professional problems. A person may seem very keen to know about your grouses and grievances only to relay them back to your boss. Sometimes, it’s best to discuss office politics with someone outside of work so there’s no chance of your disclosure being used against you.

You must balance group and one-on-one interactions to build and sustain rapport with colleagues. If you are introverted, coax yourself to attend group lunches and dinners to show you are a team player. If you are extroverted, make sure you also connect one-on-one with people to establish more robust relationships.