It stings. So what?

UNDERSTANDING CRITICISM

Iremember the day vividly; the sting, just as sharp and fresh, as a recent bite. Wriggling in pain over the just-crushed ego, I sank in disappointment. For, the note was plain and clear, written with a touch of authority and assertiveness, “Your piece is too plain and preachy; I will not be using it.”

The editor of a children’s publication had turned down what I thought was an excellent piece addressed to children on how to inculcate better eating habits in contemporary times, as a drab piece fit for the bin!

Wallowing in self-pity, I turned to my family for comfort. But, to my chagrin, even those close to me seemed to agree with the literary expert. All criticised my ‘masterpiece’ as a write-up lacking in novelty and substance. Did I agree with them? You guessed right! I ranted and raged. I fumed and fussed. I got bitter and bothered. Did anything good come out of it? You guessed it right again! I chose to make my life miserable by refusing to take the criticism in the right perspective.

And so, life continued to be depressing — not for those who criticised me — but for myself. However, I’m thankful that some wisdom eventually dawned on me and I soon realised that there was much truth in the criticism. With this openness to accept the criticism, things began to work for me. I found ways to learn, to improve, to get better, and life took a new meaning. 

And this is precisely why, today, I say that criticism is indeed sweeter than approbation. The only catch is that one needs to know how to take it, and in the same light, in order to make criticism reach others effectively, one needs to know how to give them. If criticism can be handled with openness, it can serve as fodder for growth and development. Not very practical, you say? No, not at all! It can be learnt, practiced, mastered, and in due course used for self-improvement. 

Keep going

To master the knack of receiving and giving criticism effectively, it is important to understand what criticism exactly is. In a larger sense, criticism is only feedback, or the opinion of others towards a thought, an action or behaviour of another. In a more narrow sense, it is the adverse or unfavourable reactions of others towards the conduct of another. Simply put, criticism is negative feedback, one that is critical, offensive, and thereby intimidating by nature.

It is this inherently daunting element of criticism that makes those to whom it is targeted at, loathe it. For, a vast majority of us cannot get over anything that is negative, derogatory and discouraging. As Clifford Nass, a professor of communication at Sanford University says, “Almost everyone remembers negative things more strongly and in more detail.” It is termed as “negativity bias — our brains have evolved separate, more sensitive brain circuits to handle negative information and events; they process the bad stuff more thoroughly than positive things.” And so, we shy away from criticism.

Yet, criticism is an inevitable loop in the chain of human existence, interaction and communication. Our works, words and whereabouts will always command a response from others, far and near. When these responses are positive, they delight and encourage us. On the other hand, when they are distasteful, they depress and dishearten us.

Even so, criticism can be the best form of feedback that we can get to take stock of the actuals and the realities vis-à-vis our perception of them. Besides, criticism thrown at us indicates that we are indeed trying to do something concrete. It often means that we are attempting something worthy of attention. It is proof of us trying to accomplish something in life, which by itself is commendable.

Criticism, therefore, should be understood as that response from others which, though not agreeable, is an important yardstick to assess our personality, behaviour, efficiency and progress in life. It is akin to the physical pain we experience at the onset of an ailment warning us of a malfunctioning in the body. Ignoring the pain and treating it with painkillers leads to deterioration. But, going to the cause of the pain and treating the cause averts the onset of an illness.

Truth be told

How a person reacts to criticism aids a man’s advancement or lack of it, in life. To illustrate, let us take the case of Ole Bull, the famous Norwegian violinist of the past century. Very early on in his childhood, he is said to have had a great affinity for music. At an age of only four years, it was reported that he could play all the songs he had heard his mother play on the violin. He wanted a career in music and soon was devoting all his time and energy to the violin. Unfortunately, though he had great ability, his teachers were relatively unskilled. So, by the time he was ready to start his concert tour, he was not well-prepared. 

In Italy, a Milan newspaper critic wrote, “He is an untrained musician. If he be a diamond, he is certainly in the rough and unpolished.”

There were two ways Ole Bull could have reacted to that criticism. He could have let it make him angry, or he could learn from it. Fortunately, he chose the latter and this is what he did. He went to the newspaper office and asked to see the critic. The astounded editor introduced him. Ole spent the evening with the 70-year-old critic, asked about his faults, and sought the older man’s advice on how to correct them.

Then he cancelled the rest of his tour, returned home and spent the next six months studying under really able teachers. He practised hours upon hours to overcome his faults. Finally, he returned to his concert and when only 26, became the sensation of Europe.

The attitude towards criticism, as can be seen from the above case, often stands as a rough proxy for the scope of our progress in life. It is then always wise to put criticism to good use. 

Trawling through the various theories of making criticism work for us, some common ideas on how this can be done emerge. First and foremost, it is best not to take any criticism personally. As Hillary Clinton said, “Learn how to take criticism seriously, but not personally.” Criticism is merely negative feedback and should not be construed as personal insults or defamations. They represent some information given about our past behaviour, now in the present, which has the power to influence our future behaviour. Again, criticism should not be viewed as indicative of one’s lack of abilities.

They ought to be taken for what they are, which is, that there is scope for improvement. For, in every criticism is a kernel of truth which, when planted in our minds, could reveal to us those blind spots that we can never see. Hence, when criticism is thrown at us, it is imperative that we do not get defensive but search and look for the truth, however small, that will open our eyes to the deficiencies we are ignorant about. With this small seed of truth revealed to us and accepted by us, it becomes easy to make the paradigm shift in our future behaviour. What started off as a negative feedback could well fetch positive returns if criticism could only be seen in the light of these truths.

Just as we need to take criticism in the right perspective, throwing criticism at others should similarly be done with empathy and modesty. Asking for permission from the person at whom criticism is aimed at is a good idea to ease the negativism attached to criticism. Perhaps the risk that the other person may not grant you the permission looms large, yet, it makes the whole exercise genuine and gentle.

In giving criticism, one must always make sure to begin with the positives. Stating some of the positive aspects of the behaviour before touching on the negatives eases the hurt others may have to endure in being criticised. Being subtle and not too blunt about the criticism further helps in the better acceptance of criticism by those at whom it is targeted. For, subtlety is like the lidocaine the dentist injects before a tooth extraction. Just as the anesthesia numbs the nerves to make the extraction painless, refined language and gentleness will assuage the sting of criticism. 

Another cardinal rule in giving criticism is that it is justified and holds water. As the king of rock and roll Elvis Presley often said in response to his critics, “Don’t criticise what you don’t understand. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

But then, no matter what, in an imperfect world, criticism, both justified and unjustified, is bound to run rampant by one and all. From constructive to baseless ones, criticism will dog our actions and behaviour; just as how we will also find it compelling to criticise others. “Those who can’t dance will say the music is no good,” goes a Jamaican proverb. But that should not stop anyone from dancing to the myriad tunes of life.

As Cardinal Newman rightly observed, “A man could do nothing, if he waited until he could do it so well that no one would find fault with what he had done.” So, do not be rocked by criticism. Do not fear it. And, do not avoid it. The famous philosopher Aristotle said it better than anybody else: “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing!”