<p>There is much talk about the global increase in domestic violence during the<br />lockdown. However, what is not being talked about as much, and needs a lot more attention, is emotional abuse. While hard to recognise, emotional abuse is real and prevalent. It can be subtle or in your face, but whatever its form, it chips away at the victim’s self-esteem. Victims begin to doubt their perceptions, their reality and themselves.</p>.<p>Emotional abuse stems from a desire to control. The only difference is that the perpetrator of emotional abuse does not use physical forms of harm to achieve control — they use emotions as their weapon of choice. Emotional abuse can have short-term impacts that may not even be noticed at first, and therefore lead victims to be in denial. It’s natural for victims to hope that they are wrong, and often shocking for them to learn that what they had come to accept as a normal way of being is indeed abuse. They end up feeling confused, frightened, hopeless and ashamed. This emotional toll can result in behavioural and physical side effects — difficulty in concentrating and focusing, mood swings, tense muscles, nightmares, a racing heartbeat, and unexplained aches and pains.</p>.<p class="CrossHead Rag"><strong>The repercussions</strong></p>.<p>Over the long term, severe emotional abuse can contribute to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, guilt, social withdrawal or loneliness. It may lead to the development of chronic health problems like chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, eating disorders, headaches, heart disease, mental health issues, obesity, and substance use disorders. It may also lead to symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) like angry outbursts, being easily startled, negative thoughts, insomnia, nightmares, and flashbacks of the trauma, among other things.</p>.<p>Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. If someone feels<br />wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious, or worthless, they may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can take many forms: constant criticism, attempts to manipulate and control, shaming and blaming, sarcasm or verbal assault, belittling language and verbal name-calling, withholding affection, making threats of punishment, the perpetrator’s refusal to accept their part in the dynamic, refusing to communicate, and being forced to isolate from supportive friends and family. Control is a red flag in any relationship and can manifest in many ways: making demands or orders and expecting them to be fulfilled, making decisions without consultation, monitoring the other’s movements, exerting complete financial control, spying and mistrusting, demanding the person’s passwords for their phone, social media accounts and email, yelling, and withholding affection.</p>.<p class="CrossHead Rag"><strong>Stand up for yourself</strong></p>.<p>Recognising the abuse, and acknowledging it for what it is, is the first step towards escape and healing. Being honest about the experience helps take control of their life again. Standing up for oneself to the extent necessary to get the abuse to stop. This may include ending the relationship or cutting ties with the perpetrator. Victims need to take the decision that they won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments, and then stick to it. They must limit exposure to the abuser as much as they can and communicate their boundaries firmly. The key is to follow through on the boundaries they communicate.</p>.<p>The most appropriate response is not to engage with an abusive person. If they start their abusive behaviour, do not try to rationalise the actions, soothe their feelings, or apologise for things not done. Simply walk away from the situation, if possible. Engaging with a perpetrator of abuse only promotes more abuse and heartache. </p>.<p>The final step in the journey is that of healing. Emotional abuse can be exhausting and severely depleting for the victim and healing can take time. But focusing on healing is an essential step in being able to ‘exit’ from the situation not broken, but whole!</p>.<p>(<em>The author is a counsellor</em>.)</p>
<p>There is much talk about the global increase in domestic violence during the<br />lockdown. However, what is not being talked about as much, and needs a lot more attention, is emotional abuse. While hard to recognise, emotional abuse is real and prevalent. It can be subtle or in your face, but whatever its form, it chips away at the victim’s self-esteem. Victims begin to doubt their perceptions, their reality and themselves.</p>.<p>Emotional abuse stems from a desire to control. The only difference is that the perpetrator of emotional abuse does not use physical forms of harm to achieve control — they use emotions as their weapon of choice. Emotional abuse can have short-term impacts that may not even be noticed at first, and therefore lead victims to be in denial. It’s natural for victims to hope that they are wrong, and often shocking for them to learn that what they had come to accept as a normal way of being is indeed abuse. They end up feeling confused, frightened, hopeless and ashamed. This emotional toll can result in behavioural and physical side effects — difficulty in concentrating and focusing, mood swings, tense muscles, nightmares, a racing heartbeat, and unexplained aches and pains.</p>.<p class="CrossHead Rag"><strong>The repercussions</strong></p>.<p>Over the long term, severe emotional abuse can contribute to low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, guilt, social withdrawal or loneliness. It may lead to the development of chronic health problems like chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, eating disorders, headaches, heart disease, mental health issues, obesity, and substance use disorders. It may also lead to symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) like angry outbursts, being easily startled, negative thoughts, insomnia, nightmares, and flashbacks of the trauma, among other things.</p>.<p>Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. If someone feels<br />wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious, or worthless, they may be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can take many forms: constant criticism, attempts to manipulate and control, shaming and blaming, sarcasm or verbal assault, belittling language and verbal name-calling, withholding affection, making threats of punishment, the perpetrator’s refusal to accept their part in the dynamic, refusing to communicate, and being forced to isolate from supportive friends and family. Control is a red flag in any relationship and can manifest in many ways: making demands or orders and expecting them to be fulfilled, making decisions without consultation, monitoring the other’s movements, exerting complete financial control, spying and mistrusting, demanding the person’s passwords for their phone, social media accounts and email, yelling, and withholding affection.</p>.<p class="CrossHead Rag"><strong>Stand up for yourself</strong></p>.<p>Recognising the abuse, and acknowledging it for what it is, is the first step towards escape and healing. Being honest about the experience helps take control of their life again. Standing up for oneself to the extent necessary to get the abuse to stop. This may include ending the relationship or cutting ties with the perpetrator. Victims need to take the decision that they won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments, and then stick to it. They must limit exposure to the abuser as much as they can and communicate their boundaries firmly. The key is to follow through on the boundaries they communicate.</p>.<p>The most appropriate response is not to engage with an abusive person. If they start their abusive behaviour, do not try to rationalise the actions, soothe their feelings, or apologise for things not done. Simply walk away from the situation, if possible. Engaging with a perpetrator of abuse only promotes more abuse and heartache. </p>.<p>The final step in the journey is that of healing. Emotional abuse can be exhausting and severely depleting for the victim and healing can take time. But focusing on healing is an essential step in being able to ‘exit’ from the situation not broken, but whole!</p>.<p>(<em>The author is a counsellor</em>.)</p>