Dial M for marriage maze

Knotty Tales

A middle-aged man was asked to comment on the secret of the success of his 25-year-old marriage. Pat came the reply — "The basis of my 'happy' marriage is trust and understanding. My wife doesn't trust me and I don't understand her!"

That may be  but a recent all-India survey on what youngsters think of marriage today threw up interesting results. The online matrimonial site Bharat Matrimony recently concluded a survey in 15 cities on 1,436 single people (20 - 30 years of age) and 1,076 parents (above 50 years of age). It found that 71 per cent singles believe in the 'institution of marriage'. Not surprisingly,  it also concluded that 61 per cent parents felt marriage is an important part of life to be experienced. On the other hand, while 18 per cent singles felt it's always better to be single only 4 per cent felt marriage is 'never' needed in life.

Experts always have a way of justifying such findings.

"The above findings may be only suggestive of how people perceive the situation of being married, and quite probably are only reflective of real life where some marriages succeed, and some don't," feels Dr Anand Inbanathan, Centre for Study of Social Change and Development, Bangalore.

Though according to the survey, 76 per cent feel marriage is a 'must' in life, family counsellor Maullika Sharma feels the number of those who view marriage as an absolute 'must' is coming down.  She minces no words when she states, "Marriage is no longer viewed as the answer to all of life's woes, and there is a realisation that it may often come at a huge cost (emotionally at least, even if not financially!)” Rahul, a photographer based in Pune, believes that 'true marriage' is possible only with the one true soulmate — anything else is just a social ritual. Marriage, to him, is when friendship, love, sex and domestic/social partnership come together. "In this case, I do believe in the sanctity of marriage," he adds.

For parents’ sake

Even today, getting married for "the sake of parents" seems to be the most common reason for many to marry despite not wanting to, at that time. "The very idea of me not getting married would make my parents worried," says Mukul, a Central government officer in his early 20s, who works in Hyderabad. His colleague, Balwan, is deeply impacted by something he heard a 'long time' ago - "Either you can be happy or your parents."  So would he marry to make his parents happy or for himself (in case the two situations don't include the same choice)? He replies, "It depends on how good your bond and understanding is with your parents. I would try to keep both sides happy (if it works). If nothing works, I will give up everything for my parents if they feel what I want is wrong — as credit for whatever they have done for me."

According to the survey, while 33 per cent of the parents say joint decision of the son/daughter and parents, is most important in choosing a life partner, 28 per cent feel the decision of parents is 'most important'. "I think the number who marry just for the sake of their parents is probably coming down amongst the educated elite, as they strive to search for partners with whom they can have a more meaningful relationship," says Maullika. She adds, "However, there is still a large section of people among the middle class who will still marry for the sake of their parents (boys to get someone to look after their parents in their old age, and it is unfortunate — but true — that a large number still marry for dowry; while girls marry as to not continue to be a burden on their parents and face societal pressure of being single)."

Whither sanctity?

Dr Ajit Bhide, consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist, who also heads the Department of Psychiatry and Family Medicine, St Martha's Hospital, Bangalore, says many still marry partners chosen by parents. Quite a few, specially, women, give up love relationships on account of parental disapproval. "I think marriage is a less sacrosanct bond today, than say, it was two decades ago, but fidelity and companionship with social approval are indeed prized even now."

"Sanctity of marriage would be more of a practical issue where the woman does not have much of a choice after the marriage in continuing the relationship or breaking it, whatever be the problems associated with the married," enthuses Dr Inbanathan.

With educational, professional and economic equilibrium, working as stepping stones for women to be on par with men, is marriage today meant for two equals or is it continuing as protective armour for daughters to be protected from the evils of the world …or, sons to have efficient homemakers?

"The concept of marriage has changed now," says Prof Rajnanda Bhikaje of KSR College of Education, Belgaum. "While girls are becoming more and more independent socially and financially, marriage can provide companionship and also emotional security to husband, wife and also children, which we cannot ignore."

Does the fact that 57 per cent of the 'surveyed singles' who say "marriage will make them happy", sound like an overkill?

"For me, marriage means the beginning of a new era, a new life where I am part of two families and yet get to be myself," says Payal, (name changed on request), a special educator in Pune. "Marriage makes you realise your strengths and weaknesses, and the commitment, respect and love that you have for each other that makes each day seem more beautiful in spite of the challenges, compromises and arguments. To me family is a very important unit and hence, marriage means a lot."

The optimism regarding the meaning of 'marriage' is palpable. Mukul calls it "a bond between two individuals based on mutual understanding and sincere respect."

It seems strange that with so many optimistic views (and many more as well), there are so many who delay getting married due to various reasons. "Getting married is the biggest decision in one's life," says Rahul. "At the risk of becoming a social outcast, I think marriage is not a must if you are unable to find a suitable partner. Having been through the ordeal of a divorce himself, he strongly feels, "It is better to spend your life looking for that perfect partner rather than marry someone who fits only some of your criteria and compromise on others."

Necessity still?

Dr Bhide feels most still value marriage as a 'necessity'; but many, especially urban ambitious and adventurous ones have the need to explore their emotional and even sexual compatibility in a relationship. He adds, "Jarring as this is to our traditional notions, it is  healthier than being bound down to incompatible relationships."

An obvious option would be to live-in with a partner. An option which many Indian urban young may prefer but are likely to avoid due to societal and familial unacceptance in the absence of an official seal for the same kind of freedom between two partners (read marriage).

"Live-in relationships are still considered aberrant behaviour," feels Dr Inbanathan. He adds, "Only a minority of people would take up this form of lifestyle." That being the case, for those who do this, they would undoubtedly face some form of censure (i.e. if this fact becomes known), particularly, if they were from the middle class. The usual practice would be living separately from their respective parents."

Maullika says, "I think a lot of them are engaging in pre-marital sex, even if they are not actually 'living-in'. Pre-marital sex now seems to be an accepted norm - a given. A lot more youngsters are going on vacations and travelling together even before marriage. They may maintain separate establishments (for public consumption) but still live-in most of the time. This way society does not really question them or raise an eyebrow."

Ultimately, what we have to remember is that we have only one lifetime to fulfill so many dreams. Especially the ones to do with lifelong companionship.