CIA’s best and worst politicians

For the past couple of weeks, politicians of all sizes and hues in India have been running around in circles like dogs trying to catch their own tails. Some were reportedly grinding their teeth and watching their mobiles. The excruciating suspense over the CIA’s awards for the “Best and Worst Politicians of the Year” had made them somewhat loony.

We are talking about the annual awards instituted by Citizens’ Initiative and Action, a body comprising members from all walks of life—from TV anchors to dentists, and from Miss India aspirants to peanut sellers. Finally, yesterday, the CIA’s 287-member Central Committee made its selections.  Deep Throat—as I call my source—crouched outside a window, watched the proceedings and scooped the list, which was to be officially announced only on January 15.

And the awards go to...

The Most Knowledgeable: Nitish Kumar, who invented the best glue to stick himself to his chair—come tsunami or earthquake.  Prize: Five tonnes of Fevicol. 

The Least Knowledgeable: Delhi Chief Minister Rekha Gupta, who said, “AQI? It’s a temperature which can be measured with any instrument.”  Prize: A colouring book and pencils.

The Best Tearjerker: Sonia Gandhi, who said with tearful eyes that the rift between the RJD and the Congress was responsible for the “disappointing results” in Bihar.  Prize: Tissue papers, popcorn, and a ticket to Avatar 3.

The Worst Tearjerker: Rahul Gandhi, who said quietly after the Bihar defeat, “We lost, did we?” and then yelled at the top of his voice, “Vote chor, vote chor.”  Prize: A bottle of throat lozenges and a copy of Mamata Bannerjee’s forthcoming book, How
to Convincingly Look Heart
broken.

The Best Chef: Narendra Modi, who continues to rustle up election-winning khichdis with the right ingredients, seasons them with a magic sauce called Election Commission and serves them hot after appetisers known as ‘freebies’.  Prize: The unpublished manuscript by the late Jayalalithaa titled How To Make Sambar That Waters Your Eyes And Confounds Your Brains. 

The Worst Chef: Rahul Gandhi, who enthusiastically thinks up pretty nice winning recipes before every election and, as he lights up the stove, scratches his head because he forgets which ingredients to use.  Prize: a hundred packets of ready-to-cook Maggie noodles.

The Worst Lover of Women: Kerala’s CPI(M) leader Saidali Majeed, who theorised that women are meant to sleep with husbands and not to contest elections. Prize: A ticket to China’s Yunnan province, where women regularly beat up men. 

The Best Lover of Women: Robert Vadra, who said Priyanka has a sparkling political future (i.e., she is Prime Minister-in-waiting). Prize: A round-trip ticket to the romantic Greek island Santorini for a second honeymoon.

The Most Industry-Friendly: Andhra Pradesh Chief Minister Chandrababu Naidu, who announced a Rs 100-crore reward to anyone from the state who wins a Nobel Prize in quantum computing. Prize: Video game Dreamscraper.  

The Least Industry-Friendly: Karnataka’s Deputy Chief Minister D K Shivakumar, who said, “Potholes in Bengaluru?  Hauda? Ah, those! They are figments of the social media’s imagination.”  Prize: The best-selling autobiography of a Bengaluru pothole titled, Why I Love
Politicians.

The Best Quack: Odisha’s Congress leader Mohammed Moquim, who recommended to Sonia Gandhi an “open-heart surgery” for the party.  Prize: Free cardiac check-up. 

The Worst Quack: Anurag Dhanda of AAP for saying that Delhi’s air pollution has messed up not only Lt Governor V K Saxena’s lungs but even his mind.  Prize: A thousand face masks.

The Happiest Man: Karnataka Chief Minister Siddaramaiah, who said, “Nobody said I would be the CM for only two and a half years. I am the CM now and will continue as CM, ha ha.” 
Prize: A calendar which sings a happy Kannada song at the end of each day. 

The Saddest Man: Election wizard Prashant Kishor, who horribly lost the Bihar Assembly elections but is readying for the state’s panchayat polls.  Prize: A ticket to the Bond film Never Say Never Again.

This is a work of satire and is fictitious.

(The writer is a Bengaluru- based senior journalist who writes on political, social, civic and economic issues—sometimes tongue firmly tucked in cheek)

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are the author's own. They do not necessarily reflect the views of DH.