When discipline comes into play

TOUGH LOVE : What does it take to instill the right values in your child? Get it right, with a mix of education, reward and punishment, advises Mary Chelladurai.

 “I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again: There is no job more important than that of being a parent”

— Oprah Winfrey 

The word discipline is defined as, “To teach, regulate and mould one’s character in the early formative years of life.” And for every parent, this is a dilemma. There is no straightforward solution to when and how to discipline children without hurting their self-esteem and the child’s ego. The other equally anxious question is, how to set fair limits? Every parent should know that if love is the first gift of a parent to the child, then discipline is the second most important gift. A child feels loved when a parent cares to give the gift of discipline.

The   renowned psychologist, Gary Ryan comes to give the best understanding of this concept, “Discipline is based on pride, on meticulous attention to details, and on mutual respect and confidence. Discipline must be a habit so ingrained that it is stronger than the excitement of the goal or the fear of failure.” The goal of discipline is to let children know what behaviour is approved and what is disapproved and to motivate them to behave in accordance with these standards.

Elements of discipline

Education: This means teaching children what they should or should not do. Education is a major feature in discipline. It is not reasonable or fair to expect children to obey until they know and understand what they are doing. When children understand why they are not supposed to do something they want to do, they will be more willing to give it up than they would, if they thought their parents were just being mean. Teaching right and wrong must be tailored to every child’s intellectual level. Their age and development must be taken into consideration.

Reward: A reward is anything that is given for something a person has done. Praise, approval, gifts, or special treats are given to children after they do or at least try to do, what is expected of them. Reward and praise serve to reinforce the desirable acts and contribute to healthy emotional growth.

Punishment: This should only be given for wilful wrongdoing. Before you punish your child, there should be proof that the child has misbehaved on purpose, not because of poor understanding or too little knowledge. Punishment serves to inhibit the undesirable acts. An explanation of the reason for the punishment must accompany the punishment so that the child sees that the punishment is fair and just.

Of the three elements of discipline, punishment is the hardest to use properly as children become hostile and start to feel hateful. It brings resentment and rebelliousness among children. Care should be taken when punishment is given. Thus, after a mother has been driven to punish her child, she should cuddle her toddler and say something like, “I’m sorry you were so naughty I had to smack you. It was horrid. Now let’s forget it and we’ll try not to let it happen again.”

Constant reprimands and threats must always be avoided. Physical punishment is not absolutely necessary, and is never necessary for the older child after the age of six or so. Before that age, a single slap on the bottom is all that is needed — It is never necessary to hurt a child. If punishment is necessary, isolation or deprivation of something, which the child likes, is the best treatment.
Disciplining depends on the age, stage of development, personality and many other factors, but there are some basic principles to help guide parents. The following are absolute musts for disciplining:

Be consistent when you want the child to follow a rule.

Make sure the child knows what behaviour is expected of her/him.

Get the child’s attention before giving him directions.

nImmediate action should be followed when there is disobedience.

Give second chance to the child when it makes a mistake. Explain consequences of unpleasant behaviour.

Express disapproval when a child disobeys. Never reject your child, or withdraw love.

Explain things to your child instead of starting to scold.

Instead of punishing the child for doing wrong, talk about the different factors that contributed to it.

Try to ensure that punishments are reasonable, just, and proportionate.

Keep an eye out for good behaviour and reward it.

Avoid criticism. Make sure your child understands that it is the misbehaviour that you are unhappy with and that you will always love him.

Ensure warm and trusting relationship/bonding with you and your son/daughter.

Do not offer choices in situations where your child has to cooperate with your rules. For example, instead of saying “Do you want to take a bath?”, you should instead say “It is time for your bath.”

Do not ever forget to pause and think that your behaviour is a mirror to your child’s behaviour as children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.