Survival of the fittest

Survival of the fittest

humour

Survival of the fittest

HONK! There you are! I’ve been looking for you…you’ve just narrowly escaped losing your life to a cockroach! Nice luck on that one! What do you mean ‘what cockroach’?

Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about ‘cockroaching’! Which world have you been living in? Oh well, guess I’ll have to explain, won’t I?

Let’s see…due to an eruption of rich MNCs, which have decided to stick their oar in and disrupt the easy-going, sleepy city of Bangalore, many people have gotten rich really fast. So, tons of cars have been bought as cars have come to signify a status symbol rather than just a means of transport.

The glitch here is, half of them don’t really know how to drive…let’s not get into how they got their licences since I’d be put behind bars for defamation.

This causes TRAFFIC JAMS. In order to combat the risks of dying from inhaling carbon monoxide, two-wheeler riders have invented many ways of riding. Some of these have been aped by cars to an extent, as taxi-drivers have an unusual talent for it. Let’s have a look at some of their methods, shall we?

‘Wasps’ ride at break-neck speed while weaving in and out of traffic. (A trick used by most SUV drivers instead of two-wheelers…the shame!)

‘Butterflies’ park bang in the middle of the road or at corners and hope to blend in with the surroundings.

‘Locusts’ surge forward cutting you off with no regard for traffic lights.‘Hoverflies’ don’t let anyone pass and are cocooned in a pleasant dream.

‘Cockroaches’ find the smallest possible space that their vehicle could fit through and squeeze in to get to the front during a jam. It is not as simple as it looks.

Only 50% of ‘cockroaching’ is inherited through birth. The rest has to be learnt through experience.

Lesson one: First off, in order to ‘cockroach’, you must find an able rider (the dude who runs over people’s feet during traffic jams) and mimic him. The true lesson begins when you both hit a traffic jam.

Observe him carefully. He will stop and look around. His eyes will move in speedy reconnaissance, while his brain maps out strategy. Make no mistake, a strategy is necessary to make it to the traffic light or forge ahead through the hoard of traffic. Suddenly, he’ll stiffen…and his eyes, through the helmet, will gleam intensely as he fixates on spot.

Then, he’ll smoothly manoeuvre into a position between the bus and the garbage truck. In one swift movement, he has perfectly eased his way in without a scratch. You must also note that this is a master at work. To get to this level, practice is of utmost importance.

Steps: First, get to a traffic jam. Then look for all possible squeeze-worthy areas. There will be many, but narrow them down to ones where you will fit. This process needs logic and battle strategy. This is WAR! Get to the front of this battalion of vehicles or else be late for your date or some other triviality. Decide on your spot and get there before some other two-wheeler does.

Failure is not an option. Stay in front of the gap and block your opponents. Decide on the next spot within a millisecond of getting through.

Be warned, many a ‘cockroach’-wanna-be has gotten stuck in the past. This results in the spit actually hitting you when more boorish drivers express their contempt. Rest assured, it is not a pleasant experience. Your success is determined by the number of times more dignified drivers honk at you.

A true ‘cockroach’ is known for escaping scot-free after causing chaos. After gaining experience, duty dictates that the art be passed on to the young ones, since the world needs maniacs like these to make things interesting for those who have the time to observe and laugh (like me.)

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