To give and receive

When author Laura Hillenbrand was suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, her husband, Borden, despite his own pressures as a graduate student, was nursing her. One night, she found him softly sobbing in the foyer. Realising his need for privacy, she didn’t speak. But the next morning, there he was – to help her, cheerful as usual. Daniel Goleman in his book Social Intelligence cites this instance to demonstrate how much stress a person taking care of a loved one endures.

He points out that caregiving affects the caregiver’s health and wellbeing. Indeed, that those providing medical/ physical assistance to the ailing, experience stress (or even burnout) goes largely unnoticed by family and friends. If you’re a caregiver and are mostly feeling fatigued, worrying about finances, despairing about not finding solutions, losing sleep and appetite and distancing yourself from social interaction, you’re, in all probability, facing ‘Caregiver syndrome’.

Caregiving can be extremely taxing. You feel fatigued, can’t sleep or eat well, inviting health problems. Yet, you refuse to take a break, fearing your laxity can affect the care receiver’s health or feel guilty about your ‘selfishness’. When such thoughts hamper relaxation efforts, remind yourself that you can be an efficient caregiver only if you’re healthy and emotionally stable.

The depression is compounded by other family members’ reluctance to chip in or even recognise your contribution. The consequent resentment worsens the stress effects. Sometimes, the care receiver turns hostile towards you. And you may understand that the frustration of being bedridden, the embarrassment of involving another in one’s own private tasks and the vexation of being a burden is sparking off the irritability. But you still grieve at the withering of an amicable relationship.

You can deal with all these problems by talking to your family members. Request willing friends and neighbours for help – sitting by the patient’s bedside for an hour, taking the patient for a short walk, picking up a few groceries/medicines. Simplify your chores. For instance, instead of visiting the department store/mall, shop online. As regards relationship blues, develop a positive attitude. Be grateful for all the happy moments you’ve once shared with the patient. Courageously confront the reality that many things can’t be changed in life.

Strive to get normal sleep. Make little alterations enabling independent access to the loo for the patient – say, bars to grasp, a higher toilet-seat, a buzzer in the bathroom to alert you, to avoid losing much sleep. Else, make up for the lost sleeping hours during the day or hire help for the night, at least sometimes. Maintain a journal/diary. Take half-a-day off every week. And if nothing else works, visit a doctor or psychiatrist. Remember, everybody needs care to give and receive.