When he's so clingy

NO GOOD

Entirely unsurprisingly, a man who took to Facebook to complain about, as he phrased it, “clingy ass girls” has been exposed as something of a hypocrite. After a Canadian man Ben posted the controversial status update, three women shared screenshots showing him persistently attempting to message them over a period of several months — even though none of them ever responded.

For many women, this is a behavioural pattern that is eye-rollingly familiar.
Pretty much all of my female friends have at least one story about a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I don’t mean in a sexual context — though that’s also depressingly common — but rather, a guy who thought that with enough dogged persistence they could persuade them to change their mind.

There are cheating ex-boyfriends who showed up at their office with flowers and overwrought speeches, expecting their former partners to be charmed rather than embarrassed at this intrusion into their professional life. Men who took it upon themselves to help women out when they were vulnerable, then reacted with fury upon discovering that this didn’t secure them a romantic relationship. Blokes who sent dozens of pleading texts, Facebook messages, emails and tweets — then couldn’t understand why their profiles were blocked. One delusional idiot spent months attempting to “turn” my lesbian friend.

The common factor seems to be a sense of entitlement. In all of these scenarios, the men seem to believe they have some kind of “right” to the affection of their targets. The woman’s reluctance — that is, her agency as an independent human being — is just an obstacle to be overcome. Though there are clearly additional psychological factors, the man who hijacked an EgyptAir passenger jet recently and demanded to see his ex-wife in Cyprus seems to be a rather extreme example of the trend.

Cultural double standard

Personally, my most difficult experiences happened when I was employed in
customer-facing roles. If your ex-boyfriend refuses to leave the pub you’re working at until you agree to give him another chance, how are you supposed to resolve the situation without causing a scene? Out of sheer desperation, I ended up agreeing to meet with him after my shift despite having zero interest in reconciliation. Another time, I spent weeks getting taxis home despite working less than 15 minutes walk from my flat. If I didn’t, one of the regular customers — a man at least twice my age who made me feel deeply uncomfortable whenever I had to serve him — would insist on trying to escort me to my front door.

Of course, women are also perfectly capable of obsessive behaviour. However, only male persistence tends to be celebrated rather than reviled. In films like The Notebook, the hero is rewarded for pursuing his love interest despite the fact she has explicitly turned him down.

Generally speaking, women who act similarly are represented as terrifying bunny boilers.
It seems that female freedom of choice just isn’t considered a necessary ingredient in Hollywood love stories driven by male desire.

I’m convinced that this cultural double standard influences the actions of men who are over-persistent in their dealings with potential partners. When problematic behaviour is normalised through the medium of film, in song lyrics and in novels, it stands to reason it might become commonplace. When you consider just how commonly we romanticise perseverance that borders on the stalkerish, it’s baffling that women seem to have been labelled as the “clingier” gender.

Sometimes, women I know have been so keen to avoid this stereotype that they’ve refused to make even reasonable demands of their partner. He stopped replying to your messages for six days without warning and then came back as if nothing had happened? Best not say anything, you don’t want him to think you’re uptight! The discrepancy between the sexes is absurd. Ben’s “clingy ass women” Facebook post might seem like a throwaway comment, but it’s representative of a wider double standard that needs calling out. The fact that he was apparently unable to recognise the contradiction between his words and his own behaviour really says it all.

Regardless of gender, a cornerstone of all romantic relationships needs to be respected. That means not taking your partner for granted, but also respecting the decisions they take as an autonomous human being. Crucially, it means learning that no means no and that women aren’t the only ‘clingy ones’ crawling the planet.