JOIN USThe experience can be quite something. That sting of betrayal. It’s never the enemy who causes it, always a friend, family member, colleague or partner. And you can only helplessly watch as your trust is broken into smithereens like a glass that can never be repaired. No matter what the reason, it leaves you hurt, angry, shocked and let down.
Tell me why
It’s natural that when we feel comfortable with a person, we expect the relationship to last long. Thanks to the instincts that we are born with, we tend to value trust in our relationships. And, fact be told, we often place faith in a person because it makes us feel good. With this implicit belief in an individual, we tend to forget that there will be times when people will have their motives and feelings that may make them behave in hurtful ways. Betrayal is rather common.
However, how each one of us deals with that act of betrayal can be varied. “Everyone deals with betrayal differently. Typically, we go through a cycle, where we get into a denial mode, then comes the phase of acceptance of the reality, followed by emotional turmoil when we feel anger, revenge and other negative emotions. It then comes a full circle when we understand, accept and attempt to move on with life,” says Dr Rachna Khanna Singh, head — psychology and holistic medicine, Artemis Hospital, Gurgaon.
Breach of trust can rock even the best of relationships and send the victim onto the path of depression. Feelings of isolation may set in, and the sufferer could develop social phobia. Feelings of hopeless, worthlessness and sorrow are common companions. Studies demonstrate that the closer you are to the person who let you down, the greater the anguish you experience.
Some people learn to internalise the anger, while others find means to externalise the emotion. “You feel a lot of pain, sadness and disbelief when you internalise it. Externalisation could lead to verbal or physical abuse of oneself and the other person,” explains Dr Rachna.
During the phase of anguish, it’s natural for one to feel emotionally unstable, dealing with the prick of abandonment and the terror of the present or future. When fragile trust is crushed, it becomes difficult to repose faith in anybody. It can take a long time to rebuild self-confidence and self-esteem to move past the incident.
Moving on
In any relationship — whether it’s personal or professional — when we trust someone, we instinctively expect them to be thoughtful, respectful, understanding. And when we are stabbed in the back — for love, lust, money, fame, security, whatever — we naturally feel betrayed and disappointed. But we can’t live with that feeling forever. In time, we need to deal with the feeling and move on with life. Because there’s more to life than an incident of betrayal — no matter how grave or unpardonable.
Face the reality
It is important to introspect and understand what led to the betrayal. Sometimes, emotions cloud our thinking when faced with a painful circumstance. Some soul searching can help with an unconditional acceptance of the reality.
Pour your heart out
It is normal to feel outrage and experience intense hurt when you have been taken for a ride. It is essential to vent your emotions; talk to a friend or pour your feelings onto a journal, instead of escalating the feelings of negativity.
“A therapist can help guide you on how to manage the feelings of betrayal. You don’t need to wait for a breaking point to seek professional help. Reaching out in the initial stages will be a lot better, especially if you’re suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts or low confidence,” suggests Dr Rachna.
Eat, meditate, smile
It’s easy to slip into negative feelings by being alone, watching sad movies, reading depressing stuff, or listening to melancholic music. Foster positive emotions by doing things that make you feel confident. Meditation and relaxation exercises can help cope better with the situation. Eat healthy to keep your immune system strong, which may otherwise take a beating due to severe stress.
Rebuild trust
A betrayed trust is tough to rebuild. It takes a while to repose faith in others, especially when you have been betrayed multiple times. Remember that while there are people who have hurt you, there are also others who are trustworthy. Take small steps to regain trust and rebuild the shaken confidence in you. Gradually, you can surround yourself with people who inspire faith in you. There’s nothing wrong with being more cautious, but don’t get paranoid. Let there be balance.
Don’t look back in anger
Though the situation may seem dark and uncertain, spending a lot of time worrying about the past can be of little use. Instead of being consumed by negative thoughts, feel excited about what the future has in store for you. Work on building a happier lifestyle and attempt to focus on goals that make you happy. Take this incident as a learning experience, something that can help you grow into a better individual.
Forgive for good
Harbouring bitter feelings restrains your personal progress. Forgiveness gives you freedom from the past and the pain associated with it. “Although forgiving someone can be one of the best things to happen, it doesn’t happen easily in reality,” avers Dr Rachna. “For that, you have to do a lot of work on yourself to get the peace of mind that will help you forgive. It is a journey of self-realisation, and it comes from within. With therapy, you can reach the state of forgiveness in a shorter duration.”