Don't let the trolls get to you

invisible monsters

The cyber world is no platform for a fair and decent discussion. You are always likely to be publicly abused,” says interior designer Rohit Dhar. He speaks from experience.

Last week, amid the chaos of the initial days of demonetisation, Rohit responded to a post that supported the government’s move in a Facebook group. What started with one member retorting to his comment snowballed into incessant trolling that he couldn’t have ever prepared for.

“I made no allegations. I had simply  written that I wish it was better planned. I got a volley of abuses in return! Not only in the worst possible language, but also questioning my integrity to the country, my sources of income and heaven knows what else! They would’ve stopped at nothing,” he says, fuming.

Eventually, Rohit did what he thought was best and shut himself out of the conversation. These were people he knew. The sort of people he had worked with and might too in the future. But he was eliminated from the group.

Stranger danger

Cyberbullying is real. It is dangerous. It’s about stranger danger and more. Trolling, mocking, using abusive language against another person or stalking, whether or not in the garb of anonymity, amounts to cyberbullying. If it goes one step ahead of real world bullying, it is because there are a bunch of mute or participating spectators.

While India steadily climbs up the digital ladder, cyberbullies are also on the rise, with one report stating that our country is number three when it comes to cyberbullying, following on the heels of China and Singapore.

Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Varkha Chulani gives her reasons for the rise. “I have no evidence to support my hypothesis but my guess would be that we are quite an unhappy country. Bullying is behaviour conducted by the inadequate. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you want to put another person down. So if the stats about cyberbullying in India are true, unfortunately, it is a revelation of the frustration of us Indians.”

She blew the whistle

It was definitely the frustration of one such mind that Taruna Aswani faced. The 26-year-old India-bred physical therapist, who works in Maryland, USA, received a chilling email two months ago that said: I have access to your all your friends/social media and family and co-workers  contacts that you have and I think some will be happy and some embarrassed to see it but if you have a thick skin then it shouldn't worry you (sic).

The sender threatened to release some of her private images that she had sent to her boyfriend and embarrass her publicly unless she compromised with him.

Taruna did the unexpected by blowing the whistle on him. It was a gutsy decision, not without its dangers. Having been a shy girl for most of her life, Taruna finally realised that she had to change herself.

“I fought with my parents for my white boyfriend whom I love. I’ve been in a relationship with him for five years and my parents love him now. I've fought for my rights at home, from the smallest to the biggest. But when I received the threatening email from this man, I panicked, like any other girl would. I was crying profusely, feeling helpless and regretting everything I had ever done. But obviously, it was all momentary,” she recalls.

Taruna lodged a complaint with the police, the Internet crime branch in the US and in Mumbai, and spoke to the FBI and even private detectives. But when she didn’t get any assurance of action, she shared her story on Facebook. Since then, she has been receiving several messages from girls who shared similar stories and said they didn’t speak up for the fear of being judged. As for the bully, he is still on the loose.

The cloak of anonymity

Aditi Nadkarni Shirali, clinical psychologist and therapist, says the cloak of anonymity is the cyberbully’s best ally. “A lot of people feel that they can hide themselves and their personality in the cyber world and do what they please. When an individual does not know how to manage and express his feelings appropriately, he suppresses them and thus resorts to cyberbullying to vent out. But it is up to the victims to understand that, like any other form of bullying, if they are being bullied it is not their fault.”

What Taruna did was the right thing to do. “They need to be brave and report this to the authorities. And, most importantly to their family. I have personally dealt with few cases wherein the victims felt that somewhere it was their fault as they had responded earlier and hence were scared to report the case.”

Varkha agrees that discovery of a cyberbully is a rare possibility and that’s what largely fuels the bully’s courage. “It is certainly the safety of not being discovered. Or the safety of being behind a screen. Bullies are actually cowards who don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves. Tormenting someone through trolling is easy. All you have to do is hide and let your steam out.”

The key is to disengage

However, her response to trolls is: Avoid. “Ignoring trolls is the best way to manage them. The more we react to triggers, the better the bully feels. The more we let things pass, higher is the likelihood that the bully won’t get his fodder. So not reacting is the best reaction! If you decide to take on the bully, you must have the wherewithal to bear the consequences of what may occur. One has to have the emotional ability. Each one has to gauge their temperament to be able to give back to the bully what the bully did to them.”

With such vacillating points of view, what really is a victim’s recourse in the case of cyberbullying? Dr Darmavara Vijayakumar, consultant-psychiatry, Columbia Asia Hospital, Bengaluru, says that the support system around the victim has to be strong, whether it is about bullying in the real world or online.

“A victim's main recourse is to talk to parents, teachers or counsellors. Their complaints should be taken seriously and addressed. Depending upon the severity of the psychological trauma, they can be referred for therapy to psychiatrists or psychologists.”

While Taruna’s cyber tormentor is yet to be caught, she is happy that bringing out her story in the open has had a positive impact. “I’m still fighting to find the criminal. But if I don’t achieve that, I’ll take comfort in knowing that many women out there got inspired by my courage and gained strength though my story to speak up and not be victims.”