JOIN USDear Madam,
Though I know the subjects I study well, I often fail to articulate my thoughts effectively when I am doing a presentation. I tend to freeze and it takes me some time before I fumble over the points I have made. I often fear that people will laugh about my presentation skills behind my back. Is it irrational to think that this happens? How do I confront my fears and overcome them so that I can articulate my thoughts well?
Fearful presenter
Dear Presenter,
It is not irrational for you to have the fear that someone may laugh about your presentation style. The irrational part is to allow that to influence your presentation delivery. It is important to remember to focus on what you can control. What others think and say about your presentation is not something you can control. The only thing you can control is your presentation, its content and delivery, and more importantly, your anxiety around it. Remember, just because they think and say something does not make it the truth. So ask yourself what your worst fear is? What is the worst thing that can happen in that situation? Even if they do think and say something about your presentation, what is the worst thing that can happen? You will be surprised to find that often what we fear as the worst possible outcome in a particular situation, is not really something that is earth-shattering or life-altering. People are entitled to their opinions. But their opinions do not become the reality, unless you allow them to. Believe in yourself and your ability. It does not matter what the world thinks, or what people say. Don’t give others power over how you live your life. Take back the control in your hands, because you are worth it.
Dear Madam,
I have recently found out that some of my ‘friends’ have been spreading rumours about me. Though I have refuted them numerous times, it pains me to know that people I call my closest friends have done this to me. It makes me wonder what I had done to make them do it as I have always been kind to them and have always backed them when they needed it. I feel betrayed. What is the best way to deal with the issue and how do I confront the friends without making a huge ruckus?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
At the cost of repeating myself, you must focus on what you can control. What others do and say is not something you can control. But how you interpret it, how much meaning you attach to it, how much you allow it to affect you, and how much you believe of it are all within your control. And they are a function of how much you believe in yourself. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, least of all to people who are choosing to stab you in the back. Please don’t try to justify yourself or what you did to them, because those who like you don’t need justification, and those who don’t like you will not believe you anyway. So, don’t waste your time doing it. The only person you really need to justify yourself to is yourself! Everyone else is incidental. I understand you feel betrayed but I also recognise from your letter that you are choosing to blame yourself, rather than them.
And that makes me question how much importance you are attaching to yourself. It may be helpful for you to talk to a counsellor to help you process this incident in a way that will allow you to move forward with friends in the future.
Dear Madam,
My son has a very short attention span. Though he picks up fast, both in curricular and extra-curricular activities, he doesn’t work hard to keep up the pace. As a result, he fails to deliver the expected performance and feels low when his friends move ahead. Please help us address this issue.
A parent
Dear Parent,
Does he fail to deliver the performance expected by you, or by him? And that is a crucial difference. If he fails to deliver the performance expected by you, that may be because he is burdened by expectations which are weighing him down and not allowing him to focus on what he is doing. That may also not be allowing him to do things for pleasure, because there is always a performance expectation out of it. If he fails to deliver the performance expected by him, then, that is a different situation. That may make him feel dejected, frustrated, worthless, etc. Both must be handled differently, and therefore, the question must be answered honestly.
Maybe he just has not found something that he likes or is motivated enough to give his hundred percent to it. The issue is not really how he measures up with other children and their performance. The question is really how he measures up with his own potential and his own vision of himself. Depending on your answer, you may need to get help for him to find his motivation, and deal with his fears, or for you to develop a more positive parenting approach and deal with your own anxieties as a parent (which you are definitely going to have).
Dear Madam,
I am a teenager who enjoys cycling. I want to go cycling every day, but find it difficult to get up early in the morning. I like going cycling alone, but my parents feel that I am too young to cycle long distance alone. They want me to join a cycling group in the city and go for weekend cycling tours. I don’t think I will enjoy it because of the rules and regulation they would have set for such trips. I am confused as to how I can progress in this passion of mine. Please help.
Pallavi
Dear Pallavi,
You have not mentioned how old you are (teenage is a big range). I can see your passion for cycling come through, but safety is also a consideration in the present times. I get a sense that you may be rejecting the idea of a group just because it is coming from your parents (and that is a normal response for a teenager)! Have you found out about groups and the opportunities they allow?
It may give you the option of meeting other people with similar interests and that will allow for great friendships to develop. You could start as the group and then make your own group if you don’t like this one. You are anticipating the rules and restrictions as mere inconveniences. Maybe they will not be. You don’t know what you don’t know and what you may be missing out.
The dynamics and competitiveness in the group may just make you a better cyclist. So, my advice will be to keep an open mind and explore options before you conclude that it is not going to work for you. And most importantly learn to communicate with your parents so that you can understand their perspective, and they can understand yours!
Remember, that they want the best for you and while you may not agree with their suggestions, you cannot discount their motivations.