Dealing with needy friends

Stifling Relation

Sometimes comparable to vampires, needy friends constantly demand attention draining the life and energy out of us.

Their idea of a friendship is very skewed and lopsided — they take and we give.

They often want us all to themselves and  try all kinds of tricks to keep other friends, whom they view as competition, at bay,” say people in the City, who have had to cope with this particular brand of toxic friend.

Often dominant or clinging, needy friends seldom have time to help with anyone else’s problems because they’re too busy spinning out of control with their own.

So how do you deal with a friend, who is exhausting, tyrannical and whose issues are always much bigger, and much more pressing, than anyone else’s?

“The only needy friend I’ve ever had still needs constant emotional support. Whenever he has problems (which are almost always), I’m expected to drop everything I’m doing and listen. Then I have to offer endless advice and my shoulder to cry on, else he

takes offence. So now I avoid taking his calls and send curt replies to his messages,” says Marlene Pinto, a business manager.

People tend to stick with needy friends for about as long as they too get something out of it, say relationship experts. Sometimes it’s compassion, the feeling of being needed or seeing oneself as capable of fixing problems — and that thought does make us feel good… at least for a while.

“I think everyone has had at least one friend who has been clingy and demanding while going through an emotional crisis,” says Rupali Lasrado, a business executive. “Life takes you through various ups and downs and you have got to be there when a friend needs you. I look at it as my ‘good deed’ for the day and knowing that I’ve helped a friend tide over a situation makes me happy!”

“But needy friends are not a one-off thing. They are a constant drain on our emotional resources,” says relationship expert Suma Nagesh. “We cannot fix other people or their problems. It’s not a real friendship if it travels on a one-way road and we cannot constantly

supply needy friends with energy like we are batteries.”

 Donna Lethborg, travel consultant, feels that she has been fortunate enough to escape this kind of stifling friendship. “Personally, I am not sure I would be able to cope with this type of friend as my schedule is quite hectic, with work, family and life in general. If I did have someone like that in my circle, I guess I would give them the support they need, at least for a while and hope it doesn’t continue for longer than I can handle! Otherwise I would gently ease myself out of the situation.”