A cry for relief

Crying is an emotion built into us to signal that something needs to be addressed, writes Srivatsa Anantha Rao

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
To any onlooker, Meera had a perfect life. She was working in an insurance firm and her husband in a law firm while their daughter was pursuing a course in pure sciences. Meera owned a flat, a car and was taking care of her aged in-laws. But this wasn’t how she thought of herself. She had a complete lack of self-confidence, felt listless and unmotivated most of the time. She was so involved in her work, raising the family, and taking care of her in-laws that she had cut off her friends and parents, and was left with nobody to express the feelings that she was going through.

The passing away/ separation of your near and dear (friend/parent/pet/sibling/spouse/partner/lover), the strained relationship that you have with your mother-in-law/spouse/co-worker/boss/business partner/vendor, the physical pain that you undergo when you are suffering from a serious illness — situations such as these trigger your feelings and increase your emotional level rapidly. Some of us bottle up our emotions as we are afraid of crying, thinking it to be a sign of weakness — while others become emotional and cry. We begin our lives as infants, totally dependent on others. Gradually, we become independent physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially, until eventually, we can take care of ourselves. We further understand and discover that the way we respond to a situation has a lot to do with our relationships in society. Because of these relationships that we develop right from childhood, there are many feelings being stored as emotional debt, every day of our lives. In addition to this, the world around us bombards us with additional concerns (pandemic, financial crisis, pollution, crime). We are not expected to solve all these problems but are exposed to them. They worry us and set us thinking about how tomorrow will be. We do what we can cope — exercise, play sports, make love, engage our mind with hobbies that we like. Slowly we suppress our feelings by eating, drinking, sleeping, overworking, and immersing ourselves in social media. Yet many feelings manage to build up over the years. Besides, there is always that something craving our attention and we are in a rush. This is the nature of our times!

Unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to keep our emotions concealed. Bottled up feelings lead to fear, anxiety, disappointment, and guilt. If we are not able to express our feelings bringing them out of our system, it will increase the likelihood of aggressive actions like angry outbursts in the future. The aggressive activities could alter our relationships.

Feelings are real when dealt with the moment they occur and expressing your feeling is a way to resolve them. It is not believing in being right all the time, but rather remembering that we’re good even when wrong. When we allow the feelings to come to the surface, look at them and identify the source, the sense of being overwhelmed gives way to understanding and brings some much-wanted relief.

One can think and find the reason for the cause of the misery. There may be external factors — things, people, situations and internal factors — our expectations, degree of dependence, our willingness, ability to resolve them without being judgemental.

Each one of us needs a defence against reality and we all need some buffer to protect us from the direct attack of life’s cruel mischief. It is the flexibility of use of our defences and finally our willingness to give them up and resolve our feelings that determines our capacity for happiness.

When we allow ourselves to feel, the emotions pass quietly. While expressing our feelings we admit our humaneness, take responsibility for the harm that has been done, seek amends and learn from our lessons. Our self-worth quickly resurfaces and allows us to forgive ourselves.

Crying is an emotion built into us to signal that something needs to be addressed. When we take notice of the signal and attempt to rectify the problem instead of ignoring it, we are usually much better off.

Crying may make us feel uncomfortable, but it is quite normal and healthy. One should state, what he or she feels. One should not hold back the tears but express oneself and move on.
(The author works in a multinational in Bengaluru & volunteers as a lay counsellor.)