Support groups offer women divorcees legal help, validation, and community

When Raseena T S first thought of separating from her husband, the thought came with a flood of anxiety that left her overwhelmed. It was the only life she had known since she was 18. She had spent her 20s in a marriage where respect wasn’t on the table, and the weight of gendered expectations had silenced her freedom and aspirations. Now, as a 30-year-old, Raseena has walked away and is slowly building a life on her own terms.

Although her parents and brother were supportive, shame — that continues to follow women through separation and divorce — would often leave Raseena feeling isolated. Recently, she came across Kozhikode-based Break Free Stories, a community for women going through divorce or separation. “I was initially sceptical but talking to women in a similar phase who can understand what you might be going through makes you feel less alone,” she says.

It was precisely with this idea that 31-year-old content creator Rafia Ali conceptualised Break Free Stories (@breakfree_stories). Started in May this year, the initiative aims to create safe, judgement-free spaces for divorced or separated women through travel. “When I was going through a divorce, I remember looking for people who had a similar experience. We still live in a society where divorce is seen as taboo, especially for women. And support during this incredibly exhausting phase remains inaccessible for many,” she says. In just about two months, 100 women have reached out to Rafia.

Like Rafia, Mumbai-based 33-year-old author of Divorce is Normal, Shasvathi Siva’s idea of starting a support group for divorced people in 2019 is also rooted in her own experience. “When I got divorced in 2018, I had people to lean on but still felt the need to talk to someone who had a similar experience. I found people online, and talking to them felt comforting. When they say things are going to get better, you tend to believe it,” she says.

Support groups

While going through a divorce, Rafia was adamant that there was nothing to hide. She took to social media to talk about divorce and separation, hoping it would untangle its age-old link with stigma. As more people connected, she saw a community forming. “During my divorce, travel became a way for me to reconnect with myself.

So, I decided to start camping trips for women going through the same, in the hope that a change of place and togetherness would help,” she says. The first camp was in late May, to Vagamon in Kerala. “I was sceptical, but meeting so many women who were generous with support felt amazing,” Raseena says. During the trip, the women played games, engaged in fun activities, and shared their experiences. “We held space for everyone’s story. Women spoke about abuse, mistreatment, and incompatibility in marriage, and the many thoughts they had while facing all of it,” Rafia says.

An added burden

Jaipur-based couples therapist Yogeshwari points out that women are more likely to be shamed and judged for divorce because maintaining a marriage is seen as a woman’s responsibility. “Women tend to face more social exclusion because of it. They also feel a lack of safety, so they often don’t know who to talk to about it,” she says.

For Shasvathi, the whispers and silence around divorce felt frustrating. She refused to treat it like a secret — something to be ashamed of. Instead, she has been working towards normalising it through conversations, a support group, and even a book.

The support group started as in-person meetings, soon shifted online because of the Covid-19 lockdown After running a mixed-group community for about four years on Telegram, recently, Shasvathi made a shift to a women-only WhatsApp community. “It was after a lot of complaints about women getting creepy messages from some men,” she says. “When women-only communities are started, the question is often: why not for all? I started the community for everyone, but it ended up not being a safe space for many women.” Shasvathi also points out that divorce is significantly more difficult for women because men benefit from marriage, and women don’t. “For women, divorce comes with breaking the cycle of generational trauma and taking on patriarchy head-on,” she adds.

For Bengaluru-based Prerna*, 41, who is in the middle of divorce proceedings, the shift to a women-only group made it possible for her to engage in the group more than before. “You don’t have to think twice, and it is helping me see more of women’s perspectives,” she says.

More than support

While going through divorce, Rafia and Shasvathi remember having endless questions about the process, legal steps, and financial aspects of it.

Now, they feel that bringing together people who have gone through divorce with those who are going through it bridges that information gap a bit. “There is just so much judgement around it that you don’t feel safe enough to ask questions or know who to turn to for help. As a mother, I also wanted to know how I can help my child through this. So, when you connect with women with experience, it helps,” Prerna says.

Living in a society that leaves no opportunity to tell women they are being difficult often makes them second-guess mistreatment and even abuse. For Prerna, having her trust constantly broken in 16 years of marriage left her questioning everything. “I didn’t know how to talk about it. But listening to other women’s stories gives you the validation that you are not overreacting and what happened was wrong,” she says.

Musician and lawyer Sanjeevini Jayanthi, 29, had initially joined Break Free Stories to support her friend Rafia with the ice-breaker activities. But along the way, she experienced a realisation of her own. Having watched her mother endure years of abuse in her marriage and pass away because of it, Sanjeevini couldn’t help but wonder: would things have turned out differently if her mother had access to a community like this?

Legal help

Now, she joins the group as a legal advisor, answering the many questions women have about divorce and separation. “I became a lawyer so that my mother’s story doesn’t repeat. Women thinking of divorce have so many questions but often no one to answer them,” she says. “Many times, that becomes a reason for them to stay rather than leave.” Yogeshwari points out that a lot of her clients put off divorce because of a lack of resources. “In the society we live in, legal knowledge is more accessible to men than women,” she says. “It’s because the divorce itself is more favourably linked to men. A support group where resources are shared can make things a bit easier,” she adds. For many like Raseena and Prerna, these support groups have become a way of finding strength in sisterhood. 

While recognising the need for more such support groups, Yogeshwari adds, “There should be more collaboration between psychologists, support groups, and lawyers to make divorce easier.”

(*Name changed on request.)