Ferment in the wild west amid gun violence

Primary school kids being gunned down in cold blood is a bit too much. “This time,” informed my White House confidante, “the President is determined to wipe the scourge of gun culture out from our land.”

“So, what’s he planning to do?”

“Right now he is busy putting together a 2000-word speech about the agonies of the victims’ families. It will be broadcast on Prime Time TV across the nation. It’s going to have all the teenagers crying into their light machine guns.”

“That’s all very moving but isn’t it time for some concrete action ?”

“The President is not overlooking that. He has formed a core team of advisors that is looking into drafting a bill that will place severe restrictions on selling howitzers to grammar school pupils. The draft legislation should be ready for presenting by next election time. The Advisory Team is already scouting for consultants among the armament industry to provide the technical inputs.”

It is not just the White House that is abuzz with action. The governing body of the NRA (National Rifle Association, which lobbies with lawmakers to ensure that a gun in the hand is worth two in the bush) recently had an emergency closed-door meeting.

Reliable sources tell me that, after a lot of heated argument, when guns were about to be drawn, cooler heads prevailed and it was decided that shoulder-launched missiles will not be sold to teenagers in order to ensure the safety of passing motorists, some of whom might be NRA members.

Grocery stores across the nation have doubled their orders for candles. As one store owner explained, “There will be a jump in demand thanks to the increasing number of candlelight vigils.”

Reports have come in that all the shooting ranges in US cities and towns are now chock-a-block with customers. When a CNN reporter questioned a range manager in Oklahoma whether the new rush comprised teenagers, the reply was: “No, most of them are school teachers.”

At a colony of foreign refugees in California, there was a hum of unusual activity as panicky inhabitants quickly packed their meagre belongings. On being questioned by my friend, a very scared old man replied, “It’s very unsafe here. We are going back to Afghanistan.” And back home in Bengaluru, when I visited my cousin’s place the other day I was shocked to see both he and his wife with tears in their eyes. Their son, Rahul, had been working for an Indian IT company in Texas for the past ten years. I feared the worst.

“What happened?” I asked. In a voice filled with despair he replied, “Rahul got his H1B visa yesterday.”