JOIN USHe Who Must Not Be Named
After Joe Biden’s victory, the American late-night comedian Stephen Colbert decided not to mention Donald Trump’s name for a bit. “Usually, I call him the former president,” said Colbert, “but that gives him dignity, and me flashbacks.” He tried things like ‘Melania’s husband’ and ‘douche nozzle’, and appealed for alternative suggestions. Public enthusiasm catapulted this #HeWhoShallBeNamed competition to top Twitter trend. It was Colbert’s way of shovelling ‘The Floridian Fondler’ (well done, @chummychuck1234) off the front pages and into the footnotes of history.
In India, we have a twisted version of this trend. It is not Indian comedians, but Indian journalists who try to avoid mentioning Guy Who Pretends That The Chinese Don’t Keep Coming Over And Breaking Our Stuff; and they do this not to make him less relevant, but to make themselves more relevant in the job market and ensure they don’t feature on any #TheyWhoNameNames hit list. No wonder that Joe Biden called the Indian press “well behaved” when he was meeting Man Who Hasn’t Taken A Single Open Press Conference Question Since He Became Prime Minister Of ‘The Mother Of All Democracies.’
Luckily, our chap needs no help staying front and centre. Everywhere we turn, there Guy Who Totally Understands Radar is -- and I do mean everywhere. Vikas turned out to be almost wholly devoted to the development of a mirrored wonderland, every inch reflecting back at himself the image of Man Who Stayed Silent Through The Second Wave While Everyone Died.
The powers that be have, with hilarious earnestness, plastered Chhappan Inchi’s mug on every billboard in sight, put the Philip Kotler Award Winner’s likeness on ration bags, and printed a smirky Guy Who Botched Up The Vaccine Policy on every Covid vaccination certificate. Things are so bad that even a recent full-page ad for poor old Piyush Goyal bore only the photograph of Chap Who Did That Demonetisation Thing. Hilarious, yes -- but the joke is on us, because guess who’s funding this circus?
Some will blame these embarrassments on sycophants bent on worshipping Entire Political Science Graduate, despite his disapproval. But face it, we’re talking about Person Who Waves To Empty Air In Tunnels And In Boats. That’s a person firmly in the driving seat of his own promotion, who has decided there is not a thing on earth too stupid to do for a photo-op. I wouldn’t be surprised if pilots begin to report photos pasted on clouds.
I want to believe that even Guy Who Seriously Wore A Suit Embroidered With His Own Name would draw the line at his image on a faked New York Times front page with the screaming headline, “Last, Best Hope on Earth” followed by “The world’s most loved and most powerful leader is here to bless us”, and datelined “Setpember 26”, but I’m not entirely sure he didn’t stay up all night admiring the sight.
The aim of all this absurd self-promotion is to persuade the country that Kid Who Wrestled Crocodiles personally built every road, grew every grain of rice, and nursed every sick person in the country, and that before he arrived, we were a hopeless wilderness. And indeed, there are many far too many people who believe all this cringe-making fakery. Those people need their heads examined, but if we were to open the skulls of every bhakt in India -- which I want to clarify is illegal so please don’t -- we would only find their brains replaced by a garlanded photo of Reclusive Cave Guy Except For The Camera Team.
That’s it from me. And now for the credit line, which gives credit where all credit in New India is due -- I don’t know why, but better safe than sorry.
Thanks, Chhappan Inch-ji.
(Mitali Saran thinks a good asteriod could solve all our problems)