'Tis the season to be jolly: How to deal with narcissistic relatives during holidays

Ava Green for The Conversation

Melbourne: The holiday season is here, and streets are filled with festive sparkles, twinkling lights and cheerful Christmas songs. While many of us are looking forward to spending the holiday period with family and friends, Christmas is anything but jolly for others.

Some people are dreading to spend the period without loved ones. Others are fearful of spending it in the company of their extended family and relatives.

Will your cousin provoke heated arguments at the dinner table again, outright bullying others and refusing to consider their perspective?

Will your dad bring extravagant gifts and criticise others for their presents that he deems are inadequate? Will your aunt steal the show and make it all about her? Such behaviour is common in narcissism, a personality trait which we all exhibit to various degrees. Narcissistic people have an insatiable need for attention and validation. They feel entitled to special treatment, are unable to empathise with others, exploit people to boost their own self-esteem and display controlling and manipulative behaviour.

It is not surprising, therefore, that many with narcissistic family members and relatives come to dread the holiday season.

The good news, hopefully, is that this holiday season does not need to crash and burn into discord and frustration. Here’s how you can navigate these interactions while looking after yourself.

Limit your exposure

Not everyone has the ability to avoid difficult people, particularly if they are your own parents or siblings. If you can’t avoid your narcissistic relatives entirely, consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them.

Imagine your sister ambushing you or creates a scene to draw attention to herself. Have a plan in place for gracefully exiting the conversation or the event itself if it becomes too emotionally draining.

This could involve having a couple of emergency exits up your sleeve to avoid confrontation, such as “I am going to go and help mum and dad in the kitchen” or “I am going to go play with the kids”. Alternatively, you could be more straightforward, and comment that “I think I need some space, we can catch up later”.

Set healthy boundaries

A hallmark of narcissism is a lack of empathy. Because of their inability to empathise with others, narcissistic people will push boundaries and put their needs before yours. Having realistic expectations and planning accordingly can help ease feelings of frustration and disappointment.

For instance, if you engage with your cousin during arguments, he will probably disregard your needs, perspective and feelings. He might make a comment that crosses the line.

In any situation, set healthy boundaries by redirecting the conversation to neutralise a potential conflict. You could speak to his interests by asking questions such as “by the way, did you watch the latest episode of (his favourite show)” or “are you going to the football game next week (his favourite team)”? If that fails, set your boundaries firmly and concisely by saying “I do not want to talk about this right now”.

Focus on what you can control

Another hallmark of narcissism is poor emotional regulation – in other words, people with narcissistic traits may feel indignant to respond with rage and aggression if they feel mistreated or criticised.

In these situations, they may manipulate, bully and undermine others to elevate themselves. Resist defensiveness and try to focus on what you can control: how you respond.

If someone belittles you for a “mundane present” or for not having reached the same success in life as they think have, use the tactic of “grey rocking” – being non-reactive, dull and uninteresting. This will avoid fuelling their need for attention.

Remind yourself that their attack is not personal – this isn’t about you, it’s about their need for control.

Reframe empathy

If all else fails, you could try to manipulate a narcissistic relative into showing a bit of empathy. Research suggests that it may be possible to reframe empathy in a way that makes it desirable to narcissistic individuals.

While this is more likely to work in the hands of a trained psychologist, and could backfire, it may be worth a try in a desperate situation.

For example, you could quote facts or stories about how people who are good at taking the perspective of others are more successful as leaders than those who are not. Narcissistic people want to be seen to be good at everything, so if you make empathy look advantageous, they may be more likely to show it – or at least pretend to do so.

Look after yourself

While attempting all this, make sure you prioritise your mental and emotional wellbeing. It is okay to retreat to a quiet room to get some headspace or stepping outside for a walk. Remind yourself that you do not need to engage, interact or stay for the whole duration for the sake of family togetherness.

Take time to relax in a space where you feel safe and create the time for things you enjoy, be it baking cookies, watching your favourite Christmas movie or wrapping gifts. Try to minimise one-to-one time with people who drain you and instead surround yourself with family members who are more understanding, empathetic and supportive.

Whatever the power dynamics in your life might be, you can maintain your authenticity with grace and not only survive, but thrive, this holiday season.

(Ava Green is a Lecturer in Forensic Psychology, City St George's, University of London)