Self-growth is important

Questions and answers for Ask Your Counsellor

Dear Madam,

Our son wants distraction while studying. For instance, he reads while the television is on. We feel that the habit is not good but he insists that he can study only with such distractions. He scores well but we want to check if the habit is okay.

Parents

Dear Parents,

Every child must find his or her own methods of focusing and studying. While what you say sounds like a distraction and disturbance for us, it may not be for him. However, if he is doing well then why are you worried. Give them the space to figure out their own methods and ways, while always keeping a watchful eye to see that they don’t stray. There is nothing that can replace trust in a parent-child relationship.

So, trust in your child, and trust that he will stay on course, till you have a reason to distrust (maybe due to bad performance or any other behavioural concerns).

If your children know that you are making suggestions from a place of trust, they will also be more open to your suggestions. Pick your battles wisely. Just because some technique of studying may not have worked for you, does not mean it cannot work for anyone. Nothing is an absolute wrong — it all depends on the context, extent and outcome.

Dear Madam,

I am a Class 10 student. Many in my class are planning to go to tuitions but I don’t feel the necessity as I know my potential and am confident. However, the constant discussion regarding tuitions is getting on my nerves and now, I am doubtful if I can score well without tuitions. My parents and teachers also say it is just an extra burden on my studies. Please suggest a way to overcome this anxiety.

Pradhyumna

Dear Pradhyumna,

It is great that you have confidence and faith in yourself! Don’t let the others’ lack of confidence bring you down. You are right that the tuition classes will be an extra burden. For someone who is confident of own ability to put in effort and stay focused there may be no need for tuition classes.

Very often people sign up for these because they don’t want to regret it later. Just put in your best effort, and don’t worry about the results. It will give you a fair idea of what kind of effort you are able to put in without external pressure, and that will be a good benchmark for you going forward.

Do what you are comfortable doing. Don’t worry about the rat race and what others are doing. Anxiety happens when you project into the
future and predict doom. Try and stay focused on the present and on your effort right now. Don’t worry about the marks and what will happen because that is not something you can control.

Look ahead and believe that no matter how many marks you get in this next exam, you will be able to navigate life from then on. These exam marks are not the end of the road. Not for you, not for anyone. All the best!

Dear Madam,

I am a PUC student interested in doing projects independently. My parents support me and even suggest improvements. Though that helps me, I get aggressive when they say something and try to refute it outright. The same happens when I work in groups as well. I am generally not ready to discuss or take suggestions. How do I manage this?

Chirag

Dear Chirag,

I think it will be very helpful for you to talk to a counsellor who may be able to help you understand why you react negatively to suggestions. Are you viewing suggestions as a criticism of you, rather than an alternative way of thinking about your work? You are not the same as your work?

When we are confident about ourselves and like to grow and improve, we accept feedback from others as a positive input and a way to improve and grow. When we are not so confident, we feel the need to project a façade, and when someone gives us feedback we interpret it as an attack on us, rather than as a suggestion for improvement.

When you speak to a counsellor you will be able to work through this. In case you cannot access a counsellor face to face, feel free to reach out for free telephonic support to the Parivathan Counselling Helpline at [phone]. All the best!

Dear Madam,

For the past year, I have been trying to score good marks in objective type questions but in vain. I am really depressed. I study for 12 hours a day but without any success. Please give me some guidance as to how I can achieve my goals.

Nalin

Dear Nalin,

I am not sure which class you are in and what kind of exam you are preparing for. Please remember that not everyone is equally good in answering all types of questions. Objective type questions can be particularly challenging for some. However, the most important thing to bear in mind is that your ability to answer objective-type questions is not reflective of your worth, nor is it a predictor of your future.

You don’t mention what your goals are. Whatever they are, it is very important to understand, that there can be several paths to reach each goal, and that at this stage in your life, there can also be multiple goals that you strive for. We get stressed and depressed because we end up thinking that there is only one goal that we need to chase, and that there is only one path to reach that goal.

The reality is that many goals are possible, and for each of those goals, there can be many paths to get there. The moment we allow our mind to think beyond this narrow path, we feel freer. Your performance in the exams may open some doors for you, but they are not a guarantee of your success in life. Think long-term; think possibilities; think options. Try and get the help of a counsellor to help you on this journey. All the best!

Dear Madam,

I am a 15-year-old student. Some of my classmates talk about crush, love, and sometimes use sick words. Though such discussions interest me, I am not sure if it is right to talk such things at this age as I feel that may divert my attention from studies. Please advise.

Aman

Dear Aman,

A lot of this is normal at your age. There is nothing right or wrong about it. It is natural. The important thing to remember is to be able to stay focused on your goals and your work, alongside ideas and notions of love, romance, and excitement. There are stages in life when different aspects take priority. At this age probably your work and studies should be the first priority and everything else follows. Maybe when you are in your mid-twenties relationships will take priority and everything else will follow. So don’t view this as right or wrong, but as normal. Only don’t make it a priority right now. Also, because love, romance and crushes involve another person in the equation, it is important to learn at this stage, to be respectful of the other person and to not do anything that will hurt another person.