The art of appreciation

‘Remember, man does not live on bread alone; sometimes, he needs a little bit of buttering up,’ said leadership expert and speaker John C Maxwell. A compliment, a warm gesture or a pat on the back can motivate people and encourage them. Because, it makes people feel very special.

Appreciation is an art. It doesn’t come very easily to many of us. As human beings, we are hungry for a word of encouragement and acknowledgement. But, strangely, we constantly look for flaws in others that we can either point out or mock so that we feel good about ourselves! An ancient Arab proverb goes, “Insults should be written on sand, but compliments should be engraved on stone.”

Why is appreciation so important today more than ever?

Our lives and lifestyles are connected through our smart phones. If we don’t get a ‘network’, then there can be nothing more stressful than that. With so many digital friends and with such a busy life, how many of us pause to thank or appreciate our friends, family or the people we work with?

It is human nature to take people we are surrounded by for granted. The sweeper who cleans our streets is invisible to most of us. We never compliment him for a good job done but we are quick to crib and complain when he fails to clear our trash. We, as a generation, seem to be thankless men and women!

Paradoxically, appreciation is one of the biggest food sources for our souls. We feel extremely happy and gratified when we hear a kind word. It makes us feel very special and important. The famous American magician and comedy writer, Robert Orwen, once said, “A compliment is verbal sunshine.”

I learnt one of the toughest lessons in appreciation very late in my life. I wish I had learnt it earlier. When, Sid, my son, was in kindergarten, I took an instant dislike to his teacher. However, by the end of the term, I came to realise that the teacher was really good. Although I had not planned to, I found myself congratulating her for her wonderful work on the last day of school. I couldn’t believe that a word of thanks could tinge her cheeks with so much pink! I found that I too was happy. Appreciating someone without any ulterior motive makes two people happy – the one who gives it and the other who receives it. Needless to say, I still enjoy a very good relationship with her.

Madhvi Punamiya, a young woman who has given up a career in law to care for her kids, recalls her working days with a law firm in Mumbai. “It was not  just about his words,” she says about her former boss, “he always had something special for his staff whenever we worked hard on a case. He would give us small gifts or tell the client how much effort we had put in. It always boosted our spirits. I wish we could replicate such gestures with our families.”

Madhvi may not be able to live for two months on a good compliment like Mark Twain possibly could, but surely compliments go a long way in cementing relationships, she says. Appreciation has the power to sow the seeds of confidence in people.

“In today’s world, where we are constantly on the move and living a hurried life, a small pause to say a word of thanks may bring in much-needed comfort and value addition to relationships, especially within the family,” says Madhvi.

Jiya is a mother of two and she thrives on complimenting people. “At times, you genuinely feel that a person deserves a pat on the back. He has put in the hard work and he deserves to be praised,” she says. According to her, many times, a sincere compliment helps build bridges in important relationships but at other (rare) times, a word of praise may backfire. “Sometimes, people feel superior upon receiving a compliment. Therefore, it is equally important to learn to be gracious when receiving a compliment,” she says.

It seems to me that Jiya, who is from Hyderabad, is an expert in the art of appreciation! She explains when and how one should use warm words of praise. “For example,” she says, “if one is invited to dinner, it is important to thank the hostess. Even if you haven’t enjoyed the food, it is good manners to appreciate what has been cooked. Because, someone has put in a great deal of effort to do something for you. It is important to let them know that you acknowledge the effort,” she says.

Some of the happiest families are those who use words of appreciation in their active vocabulary. All of us would like to be acknowledged for who we are. So, when we take a moment and say a ‘thank-you’ or a ‘very thoughtful of you’, it makes people feel accepted.

Why should we learn to appreciate?

*It motivates people
* It instills happiness
* It boosts confidence
* It frees us from jealousy
* It endows us with inner wisdom
* It leads to acceptance
* It betters human relationships

How should we react to appreciation? “Gracefully,” says Madhvi. “When we are appreciated, it makes us feel good, no doubt, but it doesn’t make the person who appreciates us inferior in any way.”  A humble and gracious ‘thank you’ should do the trick.

Some people are shy, they cannot take appreciation. Acceptance is a gradual process for such people to become aware of themselves and to learn to accept praise. It is a good weapon to end rivalry and jealousy.

Here are some tips to make active appreciation a part of your life:

*Use the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ very often.
* When a person does something thoughtful for you, send a note or make that phone call to thank him/ her.
* Send an anonymous note of appreciation.
* Take a step forward and be the bigger person by saying something good to the person whom you don’t get along with very well.
*Make it a habit to appreciate one person a day. Go on and appreciate someone sincerely and plant at least one smile a day.