Decoding mixed messages at home

COMMUNICATE WELL

 At home, miscommunication between family members can lead to unresolved issues that tend to fester within children all through their lives. Gayathri Srinath suggests simple rules and guidelines to avoid such situations

Little Preethi, aged 4, was refused her favourite chocolate by her mother as she had a dental cavity. Unfazed, she went to her grandmother and pleaded with her and got her chocolate, much to her mother’s dismay.

Preethi is manipulating the adults around her to her advantage though she is too small to understand this. She is just playing to win.Fifteen-year-old Chetana was irritated with her grandmother who insisted she wear a bindi and bangles to school. She went to her mother who understood her need to blend in with her friends and allowed her to do as she felt fit. Chetana ignored her grandmother’s suggestions,  much to the grandmother’s dismay.

Sumathi was angry against her mother-in-law who forced her to cook when she wanted to eat out with her husband and kids. She felt helpless and angry at her dominating mother-in-law but could not express her emotions to her mother-in-law since her husband wanted them to get along and discouraged any conflict between them and mostly sided with his mother.

He also encouraged the idea of cooking at home as it was cheaper and healthier. Sumathi, in turn, showed her anger on her unsuspecting son when he annoyed her as small boys often do. For silly reasons, she erupted in rage and shouted and hit him at the least provocation.

Her displaced anger could have dire consequences between Sumathi and her son in the future. Here, the husband might have to realise that he has to listen to his wife sometimes and not always to his mother.

When  cousins Ravi and Santosh started a  fight while playing cricket, their respective mothers got involved and what started as a minor conflict during play, escalated into a major fight between the two families.

Little Savitha knew her mother enjoyed gossip regarding her grandmother. She also knew her grandmother enjoyed hearing gossip about her (Savitha’s) mother.  So she merrily carried tales between the two women of the house and enjoyed the fireworks that resulted. For Savitha, this is just another play, nothing more.

Kiran, who was helping out his uncle at the family shop, noticed that there was a shortage of cash despite having a lot of customers. Kiran was blamed though his uncle was equally responsible for the slip.

When elders pass the blame, the child is sent this message: instead of admitting to/learning from a mistake, it is better to pass the blame to vulnerable others.
We have all seen such situations.

With the stress of modern life and mothers working, staying in a joint family seems  ideal for all concerned but for this to work, it needs some effort from the adults to send consistent messages to the kids.  The following tips might be useful:

*Establish boundaries. For example,   Let kids to sort out their conflicts themselves without involving the adults

*Communicate. For example, explain to the elders of the family why chocolates are forbidden. Explain how you will feel hurt if the elders use kids to get their way
nDiscourage gossip consistently and not only when it is convenient to you.

For example, you may want to hear gossip about your in-laws from your child but do not want the child to carry gossip about you to your in-laws.

*Be aware of displaced anger. Learn to assert yourself  in front of dominating people
*Elders must be made aware that what was the norm in their days may not be the norm nowadays.

For example, girls wearing western clothes and eating out are the norm nowadays unlike in the past
*Develop an attitude of give and take, live and let live, sharing and caring. One way traffic does not work in favour of relationships.

*Establish common rules, involving everyone in the rule-making.  Kids feel safe with firm rules, routine and pattern.

*Encourage all members to have their “space” instead of walking all over everyone all the time.

Elders might show the way for kids. Get your expectations met by honest communication instead of resorting to manipulation.

A rule is a rule for everyone. When you break rules to suit your convenience or worse, when there are no rules at all, be prepared to face the music when your kids do the same.