In wait of the complete man

Alvina Clara, Nov 9, 2013

‘Yes, I Do’, albeit only three words, is the longest commitment that anyone can make. From ‘Ms’ to ‘Mrs’, it is a colossal turn-around, and it is no wonder that the new-age women these days are more picky about men than ever before, muses Alvina Clara.

Aishwarya Rai. Angelina Jolie. Farah Khan. Madhuri Dixit. All first made their mark in life, and satiated all their need for respect and status in the Maslow’s need hierarchy. Then, they ventured into fixing their love life with considerate and supportive men who recognize their talents and give space to them. Deep love requires understanding, maturity, patience, selflessness, and even concentrated efforts and focus to bring the best out of both partners. The quest is no longer for a charming, handsome man. The search is for a mature, understanding, and affectionate husband who respects her space, supports her in all endeavors, and believes that marriage is between two equals.

Women, and men, are marrying at a significantly older age compared to the age their parents wed. The expectations of women have unquestionably changed in the last several decades. Today, the priority has shifted towards creating one’s own identity with discerning independence. There is a tangential shift towards gaining high-quality education, and striving for a grand career. Many women are focusing purely on their careers, with the faith that their personal life will automatically fall in place with time.

The new-age women seek their professional identity, independence, and freedom over matrimony that curtails these alternatives for them. Others are picking up the option not to marry at all, which was somewhat unheard of many years ago and something that elders consider drastically absurd. Desolately, in the Indian society, male-dominance and chauvinism is still prominently prevailing. The web of traditions, customs, superstitions, taboos mesh the newly-wed girl into being the ‘dharm patni’ or ‘faithful wife’. In this gambit of pleasing a plethora of expectations and following the set norms, regulations, and expectations of in-laws, the girl’s desires are all suffocated, sullying her individuality. Her own aspirations are put in a shell with no vent to foster them.

However, there are quite a few women who have dared to create their own identity with their professional lives, before taking the marriage plunge. These are the women who believe marrying for sake of family is foolish. They believe that the maturity levels are stumpy at young age and jumping into commitment owing to familial pressure is an unnecessary self-sacrifice. And they are not wrong. For marriage is no more about finding the right person; it is about keeping your “self” intact! Marriage has become both more optional and more individualized, with more and more equality and mutuality between partners.

Marriage is not a game! It’s a huge plunge of responsibility, match of expectations, correlation of two different personalities, amalgamation of families and a whole new-fangled set of relations... It is a gigantic decision that one ventures into for a lifetime, with rare U-turn options in the conventional Indian culture.

So how do you “do it” late?

n Be easy going, and trust that things will fall in place. The man you are waiting for exists somewhere close by. It’s just that you will discover him at the right time. Patience and faith are the strapping pillars in this wait for the search of a ‘complete man’.

n  Ignore people’s comments about your being single. Your personal life is purely yours. Give time and space for yourself. Never hurry such matters. It’s futile to jump into decisions that you can’t reverse. Take your time and go with your own flow.

n  Consider marriage when you feel you are ready. Women have, at long last, gotten a shot at proving themselves. So it is no crime to want to experience the world as a single person for a while. It is no crime to be defensive of your space, time, and energy. Don’t push yourself into an institution that has historically limited those things.

n Say that ‘yes’ for the wedding only when you are convinced that you have attained the apt age, perfect maturity, and total confidence to take up an entire new set of responsibility. You are the best person to judge when you are ready for it and once you know you are mentally prepared, don’t shilly-shally to go for that big day in your life.

Clarify expectations from both sides. Agree for higher wins like mutual respect and space. Take a call when all is established clearly between yourself and your ‘would-be’ man. Give the green signal when all is well.

*  Don't get married first, make love, and hope friendship will eventually flourish. Seek a friend for life. Before you marry someone, make sure he is your true friend.  Once you can connect with a person, you instantaneously share your likes and dislikes, interests, passions, hobbies, and secrets. This is how friendships blossom, sharing sorrows and happiness together. Friendship between two people is based on trust, faith, and loyalty.

Marriage needs emotional maturity, mental compatibility, and physical intimacy. Only a combination of the two, friendship and marriage, can give that true compatibility.

*  The decision to marry is a very diverse thing for those with money and education, than it is for those without. Ensure your career and finances are right on track and will remain sound even with marriage. It’s prudent to work on fulfilling your needs for prestige, success, respect and admiration in your professional life. Once you gain that dash of independence, with substantial amount of finance at hand, it’s then wise to seek love, affection, care, and warmth from a new love.

*  “Advice” often relies on history to determine how we should behave in the future. The problem is that marriage is changing, but the advice is not. The groom maybe educated, rich, handsome, charming, tall, hailing from an affluent class, living a huge mansion, owing a posh car, and from a renowned business background. These things may matter to the society and your relatives. But these are certainly not the prime prerogatives for a harmonious marriage. Love, joy, respect, understanding and intense bonding come above all materialistic possessions. Choose the man who is more attuned to your individuality; that only makes it obvious that this man has to be someone you’ve known well for quite some time. Select a man who cares for you adorably, with unconditional love.

‘Yes I Do’, albeit only three words, is the longest commitment that you can ever make. From “Ms” to “Mrs”, it is a colossal turn-around. No one has the right to take a call on that decision, except you. When that big day arrives, you need to be proud that you made the right move. You need to know that you made the right choice.

So go on... Wait it out... Tie the knot late... Put a ring on it only when you know you’ve found your Mr Right.