Divorce itch

Given the way things are moving currently, I would have been divorced ten times.

Divorce escapee. Yes, that is what I am. The way things are moving in the current context of marriage, I would have been divorced ten times by ten different women. Here is a woman who has filed a divorce petition in the court for inadequate table manners of her husband. Can you believe it?

I have escaped this damning treatment even though I have been declared the messiest diner, this side of Suez. Not only by the significant half but by my children and grandchildren but the issue has been handled well by placing a 2ft by 2ft table mat under my dining plate on which my signature pattern of messy eating can be seen by all. All the helper has to do is to lift the mat at four corners and evacuate the remnants in the bin. No big deal.

Then there is another divorce petition filed by a wife in a court because her husband has this nasty habit of squeezing the tooth paste tube in the middle and not pushing it from the bottom. I do it all the time not only with tooth paste but shaving cream and aftershave lotions. I let my thumb and index finger take impromptu decision. I don’t even remember the number of times I have yelled from under the shower complaining that there is no shampoo in the plastic bottle only to be told that I need to push it at the bottom. That is all. I hope this new infection does not hit my household.

At 77, I have only 20 per cent of the original hair growth but my military training requires that those few hair must fall in line and not move even in the strong wind conditions and therefore I use Vaseline and not hair oil or cream. Did I hear someone say, ugh? The result of this habit is that my pillow cover is embedded with dirty impression all the time but besides frequent critical observations, no harsh decision has been taken except that the grandchildren are allowed to jump on my side of the bed on the grounds that it is dirty anyway.

I have been hauled up for leaving the wet towel, after bath, unfolded in places other than the bar meant for it. Yes, it has been observed harshly that my bathroom slippers are not kept as a pair but as two separate entities all over. Eventually, I am the one who uses them. It is true that I have been condemned, criticised, and compared with others for their orderly ways and consigned to a special room to sulk and recover but no ultimatum for divorce has so far been given.

I am sure any psychiatrist worth his name, salt or pepper or whatever be the right phrase, will call such quick-to-seek-divorce people as perfectionists and caution them that they are prone to depression because no one in the world is perfect.