Yes to mobiles, no to same gotra marriages in Bawana

Once in a month or two, Kamlesh Lal pays a visit to Bawana, about six kms away from his Daryapur village. Most of those visits coincide with days on which his 22-year-old daughter leaves unusually early for her college located in Bawana.

His daughter rarely gets to know of his visits to Bawana and once when she learnt of it, he told her it was a work-related trip. He is confident his daughter would “not let me down”, but he wants to leave nothing to chance. Hence, he sometimes snoops on her activities in and around the college.

“My daughter heads directly to college and then returns home. But that college has students from all the villages in this area. My daughter is innocent and I don’t want her to fall into anyone’s trap,” says Lal. He keeps a close watch on her for the fear of the unthinkable. “It is the end of the connection between the parents and their children if they marry within the same gotra,” he says.

Many families in these villages do not tolerate even a love marriage, but a marriage within the gotra is unforgivable. While several villagers Deccan Herald spoke to claimed that the last honour killing in these villages was heard of about three decades ago, the most recent case of notable violence was about five or six years ago.

“A girl from one village was visiting another to attend a wedding. She fell in love with a boy there and they legally married. But the couple turned out to be distant cousins and the fight between the two families that erupted soon after left two people dead,” says Bawana-resident Ashok Anand.

He says the relations between the two families never improved and the young couple were compelled to relocate to another city. Generally, that is the fate of most couples who marry within the gotra or have a love marriage.

“Such couples nowadays themselves take the decision to move out of their village, never to return again,” says Banarsi Das, a retired Border Security Force man in Daryapur.
Some feel the urge to visit their villages years later, and parents often are considerate to permit that if it was a love marriage outside the gotra. For the others, it is a point of no return, says Das. But many parents are known to continue secretly supporting such couples financially.

Village elders give different figures, but up to five same-gotra marriages might be taking place in Bawana and the dozen villages around it every year. Some parents even successfully hide such marriages to retain their “respect” in the community. That of course requires sending their children away forever. Das says he knows about two families in the area who declared that their children were kidnapped and possibly killed, despite them having married and resettled elsewhere.

The young people are kept in check by a slew of measures adopted by the elders. The first time a couple is caught going out, they are warned. The second time that happens, both are sent away to live for a few months with their relatives.

“This breaks the link between them. When they return, they would have forgotten each other,” says Das. Consistent and conscious taunts at the temporary faraway homes negate any possibility of a reunion of these couples. “They are taunted that they have been kicked out of their own village,” he says.

Most youths listen to the village elders, locals say. A dozen or more elders of the village gather at a spot on learning of any such development and the problem is solved on the spot.

Several elders have also changed their attitude to women and the younger generation with the passage of time. “My daughter was angry when I objected to her wearing jeans. I understood that it was the impact of her college life,” says Bawana resident Shyam. He made some attempt to convince his daughter to stick with salwar-kameez, but failed. Instead, he himself ended up changing for his daughter.

“I am comfortable in dhoti and kurta. Once when I was to visit her college for a function, she said she would be embarrassed to see me in this dress. So I went dressed in a loose pair of pants and shirt,” says Shyam, recounting an old story.

Banarsi Das, meanwhile, says he never interferes with his daughter’s lifestyle. “Our children know they can approach the police. I don’t want to be involved in a legal battle and risk losing my pension,” says Das.

The changes over the years include women being allowed to pursue a career outside their homes and young girls allowed to carry mobile phones. Some are unhappy though. “Development did not enter our villages. Instead, some of the bad aspects of city life have seeped in,” says Ranveer, a sanitation worker in Daryapur.