JOIN USImagine a world without sorrow. No heartbreaks, no troughs, no broccoli. Wouldn’t it be wonderful? Reethika Azariah Kuruvilla doesn’t think so
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Without pain, how could we know joy? This is an old argument in the field of thinking about suffering and its stupidity, and lack of sophistication could be plumbed for centuries; but suffice it to say that the existence of broccoli does not, in any way, affect the taste of chocolate. - John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
If there’s one recent movie all the critics as well as cinegoers seem to be gung ho about, it is Pixar’s Inside Out. Though, personally, it had a rather more sobering effect than it purported to have - why does sadness have to be blue, wear glasses and a turtleneck, I wonder - the whole concept of how sadness really needs to coexist with joy was a worthy one. The take home from the movie, simply put, was to accept sadness. Most of us just don’t do that, do we?
As easy as it may sometimes seem to delegate sadness into a little corner with a tiny circle it cannot step out of (just like Joy did in the movie), it has been universally proven that embracing sorrow wholeheartedly and acknowledging its existence works much better than avoidance and a therapist later on.
Good grief
Recently, when Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, put up a moving post on dealing with the irreplaceable loss of her best friend and spouse, the response was phenomenal. “So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy,” she wrote in the post that went viral.
“It made her more real, and made me empathise with what she was going through…though she has no clue that I even exist,” confides Shanthi S, a chartered accountant. For many, it offered an opportunity to discuss uncomfortable, yet significant issues: How does one fill the void after a dear one’s demise? What do you say to a colleague who has lost a loved one? When will the grief cease to overwhelm you?
Whether sharing your pain helps improve the situation or not, it certainly helps acknowledge the emotion. Unless you accept the feeling of being ‘not 100 per cent’, you can’t really deal with it. You can pretend that everything is great and bottle away all those unhappy feelings, but one day the dam will burst. Then what?
If you think of it rationally, you’ll realise that sadness is not such a bad feeling, really. Even though they are conflicting emotions, it is perfectly possible for both sadness and joy to coexist, without annulling the other out. Khalil Gibran, in The Prophet, writes, “Some of you say, ‘joy is greater than sorrow,’ and others say, ‘nay, sorrow is the greater’; but I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
Asterix, the much-loved Gaul, has for generations never failed to entertain and tickle the most serious of our species. His friends, Obelix included, remain quirky and amusing, but once in a while, like in Belgium, comes a character aptly named Melancholix, whom everyone tends to avoid, thanks to the ‘melancholy’ in his name. How about accepting him as part of the package deal?
Highs & lows
How long does a memory remain about the happiness involved in a moment before it rewinds a little further to remind you of the blues that came along before? How long before you realise that it’s probably those feelings of sorrow that ultimately lead to the feeling of completely unbridled joy and thankfulness thereafter?
The roller-coaster ride of life takes us through regular emotional peaks and troughs, but every once in a while comes an Everest or Hawaiian trough that leaves us out of sorts. As with the movie Inside Out, the message is not to try too hard to stay on those Mount Everest peaks forever, to go ahead and deal with the troughs as well, so that you can start climbing up again.
The moral of story is that everybody cries and that’s okay. Because eventually after a good rain, the sun will come up again and broken bridges will get built once more. While it’s perfect to walk away happy with your head held high, it’s also okay to feel sad. After all, there’s deliciousness to be had in chocolate, but broccoli makes a decent sample too.
Making space for melancholy:
Bumping into a ‘Melancholix’ everyday has become something of a norm - from the daily news headlines to the things we read online and our regular interactions with people around us. Instead of avoiding him and hanging on to ‘happyolix’, as we are wont to do, how about befriending ‘Melancholix’ and giving him a hearty meal with a cheery farewell to ensure that he’s not a permanent houseguest? Here are three quick tips to do that:
* Welcome him. Recognise the existence of sadness and accept that that’s how you feel for the moment. Trying to avoid despair and pretending your feelings of unhappiness don’t exist only tend to make them grow bigger in the background. Failing to comprehend the true nature of our feelings inevitably leads to dissociation and aversion with who we have become and who we want to be. Treat ‘Melancholix’ with kindness.
* Acknowledge him for who he is and introduce him around. Recognise and resolve your issues of grief, giving yourself time to heal with love and gentleness. Allow your heart to break into a million pieces and slowly start picking them up again. Interaction with people going through similar experiences can slowly help bring about a more peaceful sense of joy. Suffering and pain are the common thread that runs through all humanity. The easiest way to deal with this is to tie these threads into a stronger rope that binds us together with stronger emotions as a civilisation. Learn to love.
* Show him some compassion. Instead of confining him to the corner of your mind, give him some time to voice out his reason for existing. Let your feelings of despair give you that sense of impermanence. Learn to let go. For in embracing impermanence do we
actually learn to value every precious moment of a more fulfilling life.