JOIN USWhether you’re trying to cajole a miffed spouse or present a novel idea at work, attempting to get an errant child to behave or establishing an acquaintance over email, how you say it makes all the difference, believes Suja Natarajan.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. – George Bernard Shaw
Picture this: Anita, a sales manager, reminds John, her colleague, about a meeting. “Don’t forget the meeting time,” she says. To John, it sounds like Anita considers him to be disorganised and unprofessional. Perhaps, if she had said, “Remember the meeting time” instead, the response would have been more positive.
Most often, despite our good intentions, the message that we try to put across is lost in translation. It is possible that you say something and the other person hears and understands it as something else. Words are the invisible weapon that can either make or break a relationship. Be it at home or work, your personal space or public arena, your communication does pack a punch.
It is more than just a dialogue between two or more people. Communication is a two-way process, where you convey a message, which should be received by the other in the way that you meant. You also need to listen to the other person, who should feel heard and understood. “An effective conversation needs to keep the listener in mind. One needs one to be empathetic. You don’t have to cut people out or invalidate their views,” says Sadia Seed Raval, founder and chief psychologist, Inner Space, Mumbai.
Whether you’re presenting your idea in a meeting or writing an email to a teammate, what you say leaves an impression on people and speaks about your overall character. “At work, it’s no longer through authority that you get things done. The aim of good communication is to get things done, maintain relationships, energise and influence people through the way we talk,” says Maya Balakrishnan, consultant trainer based in Bengaluru.
Difficult talks
“We can’t choose who we want to work with. We’ll find positive and negative people, and they have their strengths and weaknesses. One must learn how to talk to people who are difficult. As a good communicator, you need to use a different technique with each person. If you’re communicating with a pessimistic person, set aside the notion that he’s unpleasant. Ask questions to draw out what’s on their mind – ‘What would it take to make you feel good about this?’ or ‘How would you do things differently?’ Remember the purpose of the conversation and keep emotions at bay,” maintains Maya.
Good communication is the essence of any relationship, especially marriage. It thrives on the exchange of desires, beliefs and emotions. It crumbles when partners stop communicating. “Too much focus on one’s view, lack of empathy, tendency to blame, being sarcastic, being too critical are some barriers to an effective couple communication,” says Sadia. “It’s important not take a stand. Treat the other person as an equal and use a lot of ‘I’ statements, like, ‘This is how I feel...’ rather than asking, ‘Why did you do this?’ Try to express without attacking, blaming, judging or saying anything where you put the other person in a defensive mode. Make the other person open up and listen to you,” she adds.
One of the cornerstones of strong and healthy families is sound parent-child communication. Parenting is enjoyable when there’s lots of positive interaction with your child. “Most of the times, a child is repeatedly made to feel that she is too little to be respected, heard or understood. So, s/he learns to show disrespect to the parents in the same way. Establishing respect is quite important. Parents are responsible to create healthy boundaries that encourage effective communication,” says Sadia. Few ways to foster open communication with your child include incorporating positive statements like ‘I’m interested! I would like to hear more about it,’ ‘Would you like to talk about it?’, ‘Am listening,’ ‘What do you think about it?’ in your daily conversations with the child.
Mind over body
Do you realise that your body language is as powerful as your words when you communicate? Your body posture, eye contact, facial expression and the tone of your voice convey volumes about your feelings to the other person. Research by Albert Mehrabian, professor of psychology, University of California, Los Angeles, on verbal and nonverbal messages shows that 55 per cent of communication is through body language, 38 per cent through tone and 7 per cent through words.
“The single most nonverbal tool that you have in your hand is the tone of your voice. Every conversation has an emotional climate, and the tone determines it. When you have to speak to someone who has a history of hostility, visualise that you’re talking to your friend. You’ll notice that the entire body language, including the tone, is now more open,” says Maya. A smile, nod, open posture and forward lean soften your communication.
“Being a good listener is just as important. The other person will be at ease talking to you if you focus on the person, make eye contact, smile, and nod without showing impatience. He will open up, and the conversation can go to deeper levels,” she suggests.
When you’re under stress, the style of communication changes and you may not use the right words. Recognise your stress triggers, take a moment to calm down or find humour in a volatile situation. When you can maintain a relaxed state, even in an agitating situation, you can communicate effectively. If something makes you upset, find positive aspects in the situation and avoid complaining or whining.
When you write
Whether you’re writing an email, complaint letter or a persuasive memo, communication involves skillful writing and knowledge of how people respond to words. Since words are perceived differently in different contexts, the receiver of the message can completely miss the intended meaning.
“Email is a complicated way of communication. Your email gives all kinds of impression about you, apart from the mail content. It’s important that emails are faultless, wherever and whoever may see it. This needs a lot of knowledge and planning before you type an email,” says Maya.
If you want your listener(s) to understand and respond favourably, it is critical that you understand your audience, their background and needs. It is important to tailor your communication according to your audience. You can communicate in one way to the juniors; you need another way with the middle managers. Keep in mind the culture of the person that you are speaking to, warns Maya, because that’s the filter through which they
understand you (especially in communications across countries).
So, no matter what the medium, you need to watch your words. They have immense power.