JOIN USWho's your buddy?
Let’s start with some simple questions and honest answers. Take your time, think each one through. Ready?
How many friends do you have?
- Less than 10
- Between 10 and 30
- Between 30 and 100
- More than 100
- More than 70%
- About 50-70%
- About 20-50%
- Less than 20%
- More than 70%
- Nearly 50-70%
- Nearly 20-50%
- Less than 20%
- Of course! My parents/siblings/spouse/children/in-laws/relatives are my friends
- Yes, some of my cousins/aunts/uncles are my friends
- Occasionally, when the situation so demands
- Not really, best to keep the two separate
Did you struggle with any of the questions? I did. For a self-proclaimed extrovert, I don’t have many friends. The witty lady with whom I enjoy chatting almost every day in my gym does not qualify as my pal, but the school friend, who I last spoke to more than six months ago, is still among my dearest buddies. There’s a difference between being friendly and being friends.
The big deal
As we grow older, we make fewer friends. It’s easier for a four-year-old to strike a conversation with a stranger and make him a part of her world than it is for a 40-year-old to venture down the friendship path. “I neither have the time, the energy, nor the inclination to invest in new friendships. If and when they happen, I’m grateful. But, honestly, I’m not that hopeful,” confides Vijay Kumar, a Mumbai-based banking professional, constantly torn between the “unrealistic expectations at work” and the paternal need to spend more time with his two-year-old.
Unfortunately, friendships don’t just happen. Even when they seem effortless, there are unique dynamics and nuances at play. “We choose our friends and our friends choose us…You can’t make someone be your friend,” writes Bill Rawlins author of Friendship Matters and The Compass of Friendship.
We know that from experience. The guy who crushed your heart into a million little pieces and wanted to be friends. The mom who tried too hard to be cool so that her teenage daughter would consider her a confidante. The boss who splurged on team outings in the hope of getting the inside scoop. You get the drift, don’t you?
Our friendship networks have actually shrunk over the last 35 years, says an interesting 2013 study in the Psychological Bulletin. The rise of social media and easy communication channels hasn’t really improved our ties with friends. And this is bad news, especially as far as our health is concerned. From longevity and immunity to our ability to fight chronic diseases and keep mental ailments at bay, everything suffers when our circle of friends falls apart.
It took Sharanya a spinal cord injury and six weeks of bed rest to get things into perspective. “As much as you need someone for chores like taking you to the doctor and the bathroom, you also need companions to make the pain less excruciating and the loneliness more bearable. Sadly, we don’t realise this fact in our busy, everyday lives.
Most of us tend to take our friends for granted,” admits the Bengaluru-based dancer, who has been trying to make amends. “I’m sure the medicines and physiotherapy did their job, but if it wasn’t for the infectious cheerfulness of my friends — who travelled half way across the city almost every day — I wouldn’t have been up on my feet so soon,” she says.
Changing realities
Do you remember who your first friend was? Perhaps, it was a kid from the neighbourhood or a family friend’s child. Your parents may have urged you both to shake hands and become friends. It was that simple! Once you started school, you may have had your preferences — choosing to play with the soft-spoken girl with pigtails rather than the hyperactive boy with clumsy manners. Even when the friendship didn’t extend beyond the classroom and playground, it was special. It made those initial years at school memorable.
With adolescence and romantic love coming into the picture, the equations get shaken. What with all those movies and books perpetuating the notion that a girl and boy can’t ‘just be friends’? So, love takes the top slot, friendship becomes a consolation prize. In many ways, it lays the foundation for our future priorities.
In our quest for an extraordinary career, blissful marriage and perfect children, we often relegate friends — knowingly or unknowingly — to the insignificant category. Convenience becomes the cornerstone of most friendships.
Aristotle — the father of logic — had categorised friendships into three types: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of the good. While the first two are self-explanatory, he was most interested in the third category. Aristotle strongly believed that friends can be regarded as our second selves, people who have the potential to help us improve and be our best.
How many such “friendships of the good” do you have in your life? Perhaps, you may want to take another look at some answers you gave in the beginning. It really isn’t about the number of friends, argues anthropologist and psychologist Robin Dunbar. “The amount of social capital you have is pretty fixed,” says the Oxford University researcher. “It involves time investment. If you garner connections with more people, you end up distributing your fixed amount of social capital more thinly so the average capital per person is lower.”
Sadly, most of us don’t realise this, until one fine day we wake up to the reality that we have no friends. So, on this Friendship Day — it’s as good an excuse as any — make time to call your friends. No, wishing them on Facebook is not quite the same! Catch up, relive old memories, and make new ones. For friends are the family we choose for ourselves.