‘Not beautiful enough’, a ruse for more dowry, wife abuse

Recently, Shilpa Panchangamatha, a techie, was found dead at her home in southeast Bengaluru in what police suspect to be a case of dowry harassment. Her family alleged she was body shamed and humiliated by her in-laws, DH reported last week.

According to women’s rights groups, appearance-linked abuse within marriages has increased in Bengaluru. Four relationship counsellors told Metrolife that over five years, they have seen a 10-15% rise in women seeking help for harassment based on complexion and physique. These women were in their 30s and 40s.

Technical writer Nandita (name changed), 39, recently divorced, recalls her husband mocking her wheatish skin and straight hair, and his mother demanding gold and money for the same reasons. Kanika Sharma (name changed), 31, an arts teacher, sought counselling “to save her marriage of eight years” but walked out after realising she was facing abused for not being the body type her husband desired.

Comments after childbirth

Of the 8-9 distress calls Global Concerns India receives each month, about 60% involve appearance-based complaints.

Its founder-director Brinda Adige says: “After women describe the violence they faced to us, the conversation eventually shifts to comments husbands made about their looks. They are subjected to taunts comparing their current appearance to how they looked on their wedding day. Such remarks surface not just in the first year of marriage but even after 15 years,” she says.

This year alone, Durga India has around 100 domestic violence and dowry-related complaints where the woman’s skin tone, weight, height, or post-childbirth changes was cited as triggers. Its founder Priya Varadarajan says five years ago, only 10-15% cases involved mistreatment because of looks; today it’s around 25%.

Pragya Singh, founder of Atijeevan Foundation, says her organisation extends support to 12-15 domestic violence and dowry-linked cases every year, with 20-30% connected to appearance.

Demographics

Tabassum Ara, coordinator with Vimochana, says 10% of about 400 dowry-related cases now involve appearance. Five years ago, that percentage was half. She says, “Men in their 30s-40s mock their wives’ bodies, comparing them to cattle. Or, they demand four-wheelers from their in-laws because the wife is too big to sit on a two-wheeler.” 

According to Priya, in love marriages, such complaints typically surface after childbirth, or when husbands claim loss of attraction or seek intimacy elsewhere.

Harassment is not confined to the uneducated, Brinda stresses. “We have dealt with IT professionals, and even doctors,” she adds.

Such abuse cuts across class. Pragya notes that in lower-income families, “it shows up as financial coercion and physical violence”, while in middle- and upper-income homes, it turns into relentless taunts or becomes a matter of reputation. “Women are pushed into skin-lightening procedures or crash diets,” she adds. They are also compared to former partners or online personalities. Their electronic devices are confiscated.

Need psychosocial support

Pragya says women aged 22-35 speak out within the initial years of marriage, while others seek help when their children are older or when they attain financial independence.

Only 8% of survivors of such abuse approach family courts and barely 1% go to the police, says Brinda. Priya adds that 5-6 complaints reach the police annually, with most survivors opting for counselling or mediation.

Pragya stresses the need for psychosocial care, safety, and economic rebuilding for such women.