Knowledge matters, not marks!

ASK YOUR COUNSELLOR

Ask you Counsellor

Ask you Counsellor

Dear Madam,
I study hard, but I get blank when I go to the exam hall. Hence, my results are not excellent. My parents are worried and sometimes feel that I waste time in the name of the study. Some of my classmates who take studies easy score well. As my Class 10 exams are approaching, I’m worried. I know it is late, but how do I perform better in exams?
Siri

Dear Siri,

Your exams are right around the corner and you probably don’t have the time now to talk to a counsellor about the anxiety you are feeling. The important thing to bear in mind is that your performance in the exams is not a measure of your worth in life. You are important and worthy because of who you are, not because of your marks. For your parents to feel anxious about your performance is normal, and that is something they have to deal with. You do not need to carry that burden on your shoulders. When you study and go to school you learn and gain an education. It is not your marks that decide if you are wasting time or not. It is how much you are learning that decides that. And marks are not the only way to decide the value of what you have learned. So long as you put in your best effort in an honest manner, you learn. And that is more important than the marks.

Blanking out in an exam is due to our anxiety that our future depends on the exam and that we think we are only worthwhile if we get good marks. These are misplaced things that the world has made us believe. Work hard and learn well for the joy of doing it. The rest will follow.

Dear Madam,

I am smart and intelligent, but still not able to make good friends. I wish to make friends but my classmates give me a cold shoulder. Is there a problem with my attitude? Or is it because I am the teacher’s pet? How do I make friends?

Arjun

Dear Arjun,

Very often the environment reflects to us what we believe about ourselves. If we believe we are not good enough, that reflects in our thoughts, feelings and behaviour. And we interpret the environmental response to reinforce our belief. If you want to make friends, do you constantly ask yourself if you are good enough for them, or do you ask yourself are they good enough for you. If you are asking yourself the first question, chances are that you feel not confident, anxious and nervous as you approach them, resulting in behaviour that is tentative and meek. This behaviour generates a response from them which is “cold-shouldered” and not welcoming and that further reinforces your belief in yourself that you are indeed not good enough for them. On the other hand, if you believe in yourself you feel confident and excited about meeting new people, and you behave confident, open and excited as you approach them. If your behaviour exudes confidence and openness, the chances are that the group will also welcome you in, thus reinforcing your positive beliefs about yourself.

So, as you question how others behave with you, introspect and try to understand your own beliefs about yourself that you may be projecting onto others. Sometimes, it is helpful to work with a counsellor to get more insight on who you really are.

Dear Madam,

I’ve just taken up a job, I feel left out very often. Though my colleagues are supportive, they sometimes are indifferent and I don’t know what to do in such situations. Sometimes I feel good, but sometimes feel very low. How can I overcome this situation?

Prajna

Dear Prajna,

It is important to keep in mind that the people around us normally act like a mirror, reflecting to us what we feel about ourselves. If we think we are not good enough, those are the messages that we choose to pick up from the environment. And that reinforces our belief about ourselves. It may be very helpful for you to meet a counsellor who can help you work through your own perception of yourself. While you cannot control what other people say and do, and how they behave, you can certainly control how you interpret what they say and do, and how much importance you give to them and their thoughts and behaviour. All the best.

Dear Madam,

Our son is 15 years old. He spends around seven hours every day on the Internet. Though his academic performance remains good, his behaviour has changed over time. He has become arrogant and doesn’t take food without watching videos. Moreover, he doesn’t go out for games. How can we change his behaviour?

Shreelatha

Dear Shreelatha,

The behaviour of all children changes as they grow into adolescence. This may not be something unique to your son, nor may it have anything to do with his time on Internet. To be able to influence behaviour, one has to have a level of respect and understanding that allows for meaningful communication to take place. It is important to keep this communication going no matter how difficult it may seem. Try and understand his world and his peers, what is important to him, what his challenges and fears are, and so on. And understand them without any judgment. Any kind of addiction (and over-use of technology has been classified as an addiction) is often an escape mechanism and requires therapy. The SHUT (Services for Healthy Use of Technology) clinic within NIMHANS has been set up for just this purpose, and you may want to reach out to them for therapy to help your son overcome this addictive behaviour.

Dear Madam,

Our 18-year-old daughter is always on social media and has many friends in the virtual world. We fear that this might have a negative effect on her studies and future. Please suggest.

Concerned parents

Dear concerned parents,

Unfortunately, social media has become the glue that binds the young (and not so young) people these days – it has become the way people connect with peers, friends and even family. So in that respect, your daughter is probably not alone. Having said that, it is important to bear in mind the harmful effects of constantly living in a virtual world. The only way to get your daughter to also see those, are to be able to have a meaningful relationship with her, a relationship built on trust, communication and above all, acceptance. You should be able to communicate your concerns to her in a non-judgmental way so that she is open to the ideas you present to her. Unfortunately, too many parents these days, want to be able to influence their children positively but do not have the level of communication required to be able to do so. There is no replacement for open and honest communications, which allow you to listen to her to learn what is going on in her world, rather than listening to her to respond about how you do not agree with her world. Hope this helps.