<p>Ajay S always believed he wasn’t the marrying kind. Or so he believed. So when the 35-year-old musician announced his marriage to his best friend of 12 years, the surprise wasn’t just his family’s—it was his own. “Both of us were very anti-marriage, anti-religious, anti-traditional,” Ajay laughs. “So it feels a bit hypocritical to be getting married.” Yet, despite those constraints, Ajay admits he is looking forward to marriage. In keeping with their ‘rebellious’ ways, Ajay says there won’t be a Great Indian Wedding but he will opt for a court marriage instead.</p>.<p>Ajay’s unconventional approach to marriage reflects a broader shift among Indian millennials and Gen Z. Data suggests that while arranged marriages remain the norm, a growing number of Indians are adopting different ways to get married. ‘Hybrid’ or ‘love-cum-arranged’ marriages are slowly coming into their own, where parents or families may initiate the connection but the couples then take it forward. A 2023 WeddingWire poll indicated that love marriages are on the rise, with only 44% of the couples surveyed having had an arranged marriage. Does that mean that young India is looking for love and finding it?</p>.<p><strong>Risk-ishq</strong></p>.<p>Not necessarily. Many of the people I spoke with for this feature expressed disillusionment over the prospect of finding partners despite all the new-age tools available and despair with marriage itself. “I feel that finding a life partner is really challenging these days,” says Chhavi P, a 31-year-old copyeditor from Mumbai.</p>.<p>“Marriages are a risky affair and truly a gamble,” she adds. Although she is married now, the path to getting married was a long, tortuous one that took almost 2.5 years. Chhavi had to cope with a lot of rejections because of her height. Most arranged marriages are still decided based on appearance, and Chhavi says that this was the case even with the so-called ‘love-cum-arranged’ marriages. “I had always wanted to get married as I believe in love and wanted to have a beautiful love story. Sometimes, my parents even joked about why I couldn’t find someone for myself, but I couldn’t. Not that I didn’t try dating, but it just didn’t work out. Matrimonial websites turned into a nightmare for me. So many rejections just based on my height made me feel dejected.”</p>.<p>Luckily for Chhavi, her life turned when she randomly connected with a guy (now her husband) after almost having given up the search. Things moved quickly from there, and she was engaged within three months of that connection. Despite that, the whole experience left her disillusioned with how people seek partners online. “I realised what people try to portray differs from who they actually are. They would write on social media that looks don’t matter but it would for them.”</p>.<p><strong>Not happily-ever-after always</strong></p>.<p>Chhavi’s story isn’t unique. Many Indians navigating the modern marriage market share her struggles, but not all find happy endings. For some, like Archana K, marriage has brought more disillusionment than joy. Currently going through a divorce, Archana describes marriage as a ‘hell-hole.’ Others, like her friends, find themselves caught between thriving careers and the heavy expectations of traditional marriages.</p>.<p>India still has some of the lowest divorce rates worldwide, but limited data suggests this figure is rising. The country has an estimated 10 million weddings annually. And an entire billion-dollar industry to cater to these weddings. From sites like Shaadi.com and BharatMatrimony to hyper-local sites that focus on arranging marriages between people from the same community or language, Indians have no shortage of choices. Yet, the choices can be overwhelming. Should you swipe right on a dating app? Rely on a trusted family network? Or let your parents handle the profiles on matrimonial sites?</p>.<p><strong>Choice or obligation?</strong></p>.<p>From just a single matrimonial website, Shaadi, in 1996, there are now more than 1,500 matrimonial websites in India (Pal, 2010). Dating apps have seen phenomenal growth in recent years, with India reportedly being the fifth-largest market for dating apps worldwide. It used to be dating at the swipe of a button. Now, is it swiping right for marriage? A Tinder survey in 2023 found that 45% of Indians were looking for a long-term relationship on the app. About 82 million Indians logged on to a dating app last year.</p>.<p>Rachita W was one of those users. Dating apps aren’t exactly known to be a happy hunting ground for marriage—but not so for Rachita. “Surprisingly, my experience has not been creepy,” she says. “I met interesting people from different professions, interests, and insights across cities. This would not have been possible if I had only searched for a partner on matrimony sites in my own community.”</p>.<p>The diversity did come with its own problems. Not everyone on dating apps is looking for marriage, and Rachita admits that the chances of this happening on matrimonial sites would be lesser. Yet, Rachita persisted because she found dating apps more engaging. For her, the traditional route wasn’t appealing, and perhaps her being 29 may have something to do with it, having grown up in a more digitally connected world.</p>.<p>Her world, however, is different from the one in which managing editor Kanika Goswami grew up. Marriage, for her, felt like a social obligation and not a personal choice. “Marriage for us was a social demand; parents of my generation could not even imagine their daughter not being married. Nothing mattered more than a daughter being safely married, or society would kill us! I also gave in to the pressure, agreed, and got married.”</p>.<p>However, her experience made her vow that her daughters would experience marriage differently if they decided to get married. “I changed my name, learned a new language, learned to cook a new cuisine, and adopted another culture, festivals, and even spirituality! But as a mother, I will never expect my daughters to do any of these things blindly or ‘because it has to be done.’ Today, there are no expectations of marriage, husband, or sasural…nothing…on my daughters. If they are meant to find a partner they want to be with, they will. But that advice will not come from me.”</p>.<p><strong>Upwardly mobile model</strong></p>.<p>Does this mean we are seeing a societal shift in the fundamental way Indians are looking at marriage? Dr Ashish Kumar, who is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at BPS Women’s College, admits that societal expectations have shifted in terms of an aspirational, upwardly mobile model of marriage.</p>.<p>“However, appearances can be deceptive. Families are still calling the shots in most alliances. The fascination for extravagance in weddings is not declining. Caste, community, and regional affinities remain the primary preferences. Further, familial interference cannot be ruled out in most of the marriages, whether arranged or not,” he explains. And how are Indians doing after they are married? Psychologist Prachi Saxena, who also describes herself as a mindful dating and premarital coach, says that the meaning of traditional marriage is evolving. “The current generation has moved toward looking at marriage as a more fluid, supportive partner system where roles are interchangeable, and emotional fulfilment takes precedence over most things.”</p>.<p>The world, in general, has become more individual-centred, she adds. “In the desire to cultivate ‘self-love,’ we have excluded ‘relational love’ to the extent of isolating ourselves within rigid standards.”</p>.<p>In her practice, Prachi has observed these patterns, both in dating and in marriages:</p>.<p>• Inability to balance high standards and having the patience to find the right fit.</p>.<p>• Increased dating app fatigue with a serious dearth of opportunities for authentic, real-world interactions.</p>.<p>• More people are okay with being alone without FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).</p>.<p>• Prevalence of social media-based envy, where everyone else seems to have the perfect life.</p>.<p>• Not knowing how to really find your own priority values and then assess them in a potential partner.</p>.<p>• Not recognising healthy boundaries.</p>.<p>Mental health practitioner Dr Teena Augustine Joseph concurs, adding that she has noticed similar changes in married couples and the concerns they bring to therapy.</p>.<p>“Intimacy and sex-related concerns are brought up and discussed more than before. Infidelity is being examined and worked upon which is a huge shift from what I saw a decade ago. There is an acknowledgement of infidelity, willingness to work on relationships bypassing the episodes, and wanting to review relationships in the light of the incident. Clashes due to the involvement of extended family are being brought up. About 15 years ago, I saw women deciding to adjust to these challenges, but women today are firm about their boundaries and role expectations from partners.”</p>.<p><strong>The weight of caste</strong></p>.<p>As a sociologist, Dr Ashish has also observed that among today’s youth, there is an increased openness to date and manifest individual choices. But this, of course, remains restricted to major cities. Despite more acceptance for dating, the old world of caste, class, community, and family expectations continues to dominate.</p>.<p>“Dating in India is primarily cast into the framework of class, caste, family, and community. There is increasing confusion and a fallback reliance on conventional, familial culture and status-driven assumptions when it comes to navigating the marital challenges in everyday life.”</p>.<p>Data does confirm Dr Ashish’s observations. The 2011-12 India Human Development Survey (IHDS) showed that caste remained an important feature of marriages in India, with just 5% of urban respondents saying they had an inter-caste marriage. Inter-religious marriages are even less common. So while there is change, that change is rooted still in the centuries of tradition and weight that marriage carries.</p>.<p>For those like Rachita, marriage is worth looking out for. There are those like Ajay who find themselves having to grapple with their notions of marriage with the realities of relationships. Those like Kanika have seen the worst and want their children to see the better. Perhaps, there is no one story to marriage. There are so many stories, including that of Avantika T, who says that both she and her husband are disabled, and they got married despite cultural differences. Her husband is from Bihar, while she is from Mangaluru. “There are numerous challenges. And yet I feel blessed because I’m married to the ‘right’ person. He becomes my shield whenever needed and he steps aside when I need my space to grow.”</p>.<p>Perhaps, that is the story we all look for. Whether we find that story on a dating app, on a matrimonial site, or through a chance meeting at a coffee shop, maybe it doesn’t matter in the end. The story matters. The story of pursuing connection and finding it.</p>.<p>*Some names have been changed on request to protect identities.</p>
<p>Ajay S always believed he wasn’t the marrying kind. Or so he believed. So when the 35-year-old musician announced his marriage to his best friend of 12 years, the surprise wasn’t just his family’s—it was his own. “Both of us were very anti-marriage, anti-religious, anti-traditional,” Ajay laughs. “So it feels a bit hypocritical to be getting married.” Yet, despite those constraints, Ajay admits he is looking forward to marriage. In keeping with their ‘rebellious’ ways, Ajay says there won’t be a Great Indian Wedding but he will opt for a court marriage instead.</p>.<p>Ajay’s unconventional approach to marriage reflects a broader shift among Indian millennials and Gen Z. Data suggests that while arranged marriages remain the norm, a growing number of Indians are adopting different ways to get married. ‘Hybrid’ or ‘love-cum-arranged’ marriages are slowly coming into their own, where parents or families may initiate the connection but the couples then take it forward. A 2023 WeddingWire poll indicated that love marriages are on the rise, with only 44% of the couples surveyed having had an arranged marriage. Does that mean that young India is looking for love and finding it?</p>.<p><strong>Risk-ishq</strong></p>.<p>Not necessarily. Many of the people I spoke with for this feature expressed disillusionment over the prospect of finding partners despite all the new-age tools available and despair with marriage itself. “I feel that finding a life partner is really challenging these days,” says Chhavi P, a 31-year-old copyeditor from Mumbai.</p>.<p>“Marriages are a risky affair and truly a gamble,” she adds. Although she is married now, the path to getting married was a long, tortuous one that took almost 2.5 years. Chhavi had to cope with a lot of rejections because of her height. Most arranged marriages are still decided based on appearance, and Chhavi says that this was the case even with the so-called ‘love-cum-arranged’ marriages. “I had always wanted to get married as I believe in love and wanted to have a beautiful love story. Sometimes, my parents even joked about why I couldn’t find someone for myself, but I couldn’t. Not that I didn’t try dating, but it just didn’t work out. Matrimonial websites turned into a nightmare for me. So many rejections just based on my height made me feel dejected.”</p>.<p>Luckily for Chhavi, her life turned when she randomly connected with a guy (now her husband) after almost having given up the search. Things moved quickly from there, and she was engaged within three months of that connection. Despite that, the whole experience left her disillusioned with how people seek partners online. “I realised what people try to portray differs from who they actually are. They would write on social media that looks don’t matter but it would for them.”</p>.<p><strong>Not happily-ever-after always</strong></p>.<p>Chhavi’s story isn’t unique. Many Indians navigating the modern marriage market share her struggles, but not all find happy endings. For some, like Archana K, marriage has brought more disillusionment than joy. Currently going through a divorce, Archana describes marriage as a ‘hell-hole.’ Others, like her friends, find themselves caught between thriving careers and the heavy expectations of traditional marriages.</p>.<p>India still has some of the lowest divorce rates worldwide, but limited data suggests this figure is rising. The country has an estimated 10 million weddings annually. And an entire billion-dollar industry to cater to these weddings. From sites like Shaadi.com and BharatMatrimony to hyper-local sites that focus on arranging marriages between people from the same community or language, Indians have no shortage of choices. Yet, the choices can be overwhelming. Should you swipe right on a dating app? Rely on a trusted family network? Or let your parents handle the profiles on matrimonial sites?</p>.<p><strong>Choice or obligation?</strong></p>.<p>From just a single matrimonial website, Shaadi, in 1996, there are now more than 1,500 matrimonial websites in India (Pal, 2010). Dating apps have seen phenomenal growth in recent years, with India reportedly being the fifth-largest market for dating apps worldwide. It used to be dating at the swipe of a button. Now, is it swiping right for marriage? A Tinder survey in 2023 found that 45% of Indians were looking for a long-term relationship on the app. About 82 million Indians logged on to a dating app last year.</p>.<p>Rachita W was one of those users. Dating apps aren’t exactly known to be a happy hunting ground for marriage—but not so for Rachita. “Surprisingly, my experience has not been creepy,” she says. “I met interesting people from different professions, interests, and insights across cities. This would not have been possible if I had only searched for a partner on matrimony sites in my own community.”</p>.<p>The diversity did come with its own problems. Not everyone on dating apps is looking for marriage, and Rachita admits that the chances of this happening on matrimonial sites would be lesser. Yet, Rachita persisted because she found dating apps more engaging. For her, the traditional route wasn’t appealing, and perhaps her being 29 may have something to do with it, having grown up in a more digitally connected world.</p>.<p>Her world, however, is different from the one in which managing editor Kanika Goswami grew up. Marriage, for her, felt like a social obligation and not a personal choice. “Marriage for us was a social demand; parents of my generation could not even imagine their daughter not being married. Nothing mattered more than a daughter being safely married, or society would kill us! I also gave in to the pressure, agreed, and got married.”</p>.<p>However, her experience made her vow that her daughters would experience marriage differently if they decided to get married. “I changed my name, learned a new language, learned to cook a new cuisine, and adopted another culture, festivals, and even spirituality! But as a mother, I will never expect my daughters to do any of these things blindly or ‘because it has to be done.’ Today, there are no expectations of marriage, husband, or sasural…nothing…on my daughters. If they are meant to find a partner they want to be with, they will. But that advice will not come from me.”</p>.<p><strong>Upwardly mobile model</strong></p>.<p>Does this mean we are seeing a societal shift in the fundamental way Indians are looking at marriage? Dr Ashish Kumar, who is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at BPS Women’s College, admits that societal expectations have shifted in terms of an aspirational, upwardly mobile model of marriage.</p>.<p>“However, appearances can be deceptive. Families are still calling the shots in most alliances. The fascination for extravagance in weddings is not declining. Caste, community, and regional affinities remain the primary preferences. Further, familial interference cannot be ruled out in most of the marriages, whether arranged or not,” he explains. And how are Indians doing after they are married? Psychologist Prachi Saxena, who also describes herself as a mindful dating and premarital coach, says that the meaning of traditional marriage is evolving. “The current generation has moved toward looking at marriage as a more fluid, supportive partner system where roles are interchangeable, and emotional fulfilment takes precedence over most things.”</p>.<p>The world, in general, has become more individual-centred, she adds. “In the desire to cultivate ‘self-love,’ we have excluded ‘relational love’ to the extent of isolating ourselves within rigid standards.”</p>.<p>In her practice, Prachi has observed these patterns, both in dating and in marriages:</p>.<p>• Inability to balance high standards and having the patience to find the right fit.</p>.<p>• Increased dating app fatigue with a serious dearth of opportunities for authentic, real-world interactions.</p>.<p>• More people are okay with being alone without FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).</p>.<p>• Prevalence of social media-based envy, where everyone else seems to have the perfect life.</p>.<p>• Not knowing how to really find your own priority values and then assess them in a potential partner.</p>.<p>• Not recognising healthy boundaries.</p>.<p>Mental health practitioner Dr Teena Augustine Joseph concurs, adding that she has noticed similar changes in married couples and the concerns they bring to therapy.</p>.<p>“Intimacy and sex-related concerns are brought up and discussed more than before. Infidelity is being examined and worked upon which is a huge shift from what I saw a decade ago. There is an acknowledgement of infidelity, willingness to work on relationships bypassing the episodes, and wanting to review relationships in the light of the incident. Clashes due to the involvement of extended family are being brought up. About 15 years ago, I saw women deciding to adjust to these challenges, but women today are firm about their boundaries and role expectations from partners.”</p>.<p><strong>The weight of caste</strong></p>.<p>As a sociologist, Dr Ashish has also observed that among today’s youth, there is an increased openness to date and manifest individual choices. But this, of course, remains restricted to major cities. Despite more acceptance for dating, the old world of caste, class, community, and family expectations continues to dominate.</p>.<p>“Dating in India is primarily cast into the framework of class, caste, family, and community. There is increasing confusion and a fallback reliance on conventional, familial culture and status-driven assumptions when it comes to navigating the marital challenges in everyday life.”</p>.<p>Data does confirm Dr Ashish’s observations. The 2011-12 India Human Development Survey (IHDS) showed that caste remained an important feature of marriages in India, with just 5% of urban respondents saying they had an inter-caste marriage. Inter-religious marriages are even less common. So while there is change, that change is rooted still in the centuries of tradition and weight that marriage carries.</p>.<p>For those like Rachita, marriage is worth looking out for. There are those like Ajay who find themselves having to grapple with their notions of marriage with the realities of relationships. Those like Kanika have seen the worst and want their children to see the better. Perhaps, there is no one story to marriage. There are so many stories, including that of Avantika T, who says that both she and her husband are disabled, and they got married despite cultural differences. Her husband is from Bihar, while she is from Mangaluru. “There are numerous challenges. And yet I feel blessed because I’m married to the ‘right’ person. He becomes my shield whenever needed and he steps aside when I need my space to grow.”</p>.<p>Perhaps, that is the story we all look for. Whether we find that story on a dating app, on a matrimonial site, or through a chance meeting at a coffee shop, maybe it doesn’t matter in the end. The story matters. The story of pursuing connection and finding it.</p>.<p>*Some names have been changed on request to protect identities.</p>