JOIN USWill love fly out too?
In the blockbuster Telugu film Fidaa’s climax, Bhanumathi, the heroine bride yelps when her sister declares that Varun, the just-wed NRI Prince Charming husband has moved to Banswada to live with her, rather than take her along to the United States. Bhanumathi was so averse to leaving her dad that she even settled for a boy next door despite being in love with Varun. The bride runs excited across her village to Varun who ditched his own American university medicine dream for love. That near-fantasy scene left many women gaping in awe. Of course they yearned for such guys in real life...
Has it really happened? NRI man loves woman. Woman loves man but wants to be closer to her dad. So man gives up his dreams. Wow!
So dreamy. Yet the skeptic in me whooshed on a thought flight...will Varun stay happy after a few years? Will his happiness or sorrow dictate how much they are in love then? Will he eventually coax her into moving overseas like many guys do? Would he take such a decision post-March 2020? Does such love stand a chance? Does it survive the test of time? The NRI kind? The non-US-citizen spouse and uncertain work visas kind?
Varun was probably a US citizen, with no worry about the cursed uncertainty of H1B Visas. Bhanumathi was surely up for transition trauma had she left with him, in spite of not having to go through the H4 Visa mess, rooted that she was in her familial surroundings.
I wonder about what would happen to the dreamy love these two experienced down the line. What happens to the thousands of women who leave the immediate comfort of their hometowns, families for marriage, for love?
Love, a universal emotion yes, but with such offshore relationships of the romantic kind, let us remember that the men face job pressures and uncertainty that affect them and their women adversely. If not hurtful, transcontinental moves bring with them, frustrating loneliness and the surprising lack of freedom for the women. Some women adjust easy, their love for their men intact. Most others pretend paradise on video calls with parents while braving through culture shock and marital role-play demands.
Recent years have thrown NRI relationships into limelight, thanks to the media debates surrounding H4 Visa work permits for women in the US, and related issues in other countries. In the past year alone, in the aftermath of Covid-19, depression and spousal abuse seem to have risen. This aside, job losses have forced thousands of H1B permit holders to desperately look for alternative projects in the past year, or pack up and return to India.
Is love possible at all in the face of such stress? When often the woman is financially dependent on the earning spouse? I spoke to some couples living the NRI life, and women who have seen the ups, downs and warts of it all through a decade or two.
Make self-love a priority
Love does stand a chance, and is possible in spite of the financial dependency, in the words of New Jersey-based filmmaker Meghna Damani, 45, who dated her husband for eight years before marrying him and moving to the US. She suffered a bitter struggle with the H4 Visa limitations, felt suicidal too. She eventually made Hearts Suspended, a short documentary which captures the depression and the struggle of South Asian women who move to the US on H4 Visas. Meghna is working on another documentary 'Dreams Uprooted’. Like other girls, Meghna’s notion of love was idealistic. "I thought it is something you escape into, losing track of time and space.’’ Over time, Meghna’s trauma of her move made her question it.
"I could not work here (in the US), I had no identity, I could not connect with myself, I could not connect with people around me. I got confused. I wondered if I love him. As time went by, I started my spiritual practice, which really helped,’’ says Meghna. She talks of an article, 'What is love?’ that explained how love is really 'something two mature individuals can experience when rooted in their own selves.' Then began my journey. It became more about not losing myself, but finding myself.’’
Her relationship with her husband Abhijeet Jhaveri (now 44) has flourished over the 19 years of marriage after they "understood different sides to each other’’. She credits him for standing by her through the worst of times in her adopted country, his immense support to her film-making career, and for "believing in her even when she did not’’.
Spot the red flags!
Bengaluru girl Ruchi Gina (name changed), a clinical research scientist, married the love of her life at 21, 20 years back and moved to England. She said no to an alliance from US, fearing the H4 Visa quandary.
"I thought it was love. Looking back, I guess I was only ticking the boxes — working abroad, good family, educated, well-spoken, likes to travel the world, ambitious... My dream was to go abroad and travel. I hoped to study abroad, but my family shot that idea down. They said, 'get married and then do what you want’. I did not rebel. My guy and I got along well. It was surprising how we liked the same things!’’ reminisces Ruchi. After the wedding, she moved to England with him, where Visa rules allowed her to work. She opted to study and pursued her PhD. She adapted well, and treated it all as an adventure. Did they live happily ever after?
Her regret today: ignoring the red flags back then, the minor details that mattered and changing her name to add his family name. "We Indian girls are not trained to spot red flags. We are taught to adjust.’’ Her husband, she says, is a go-getter, driven, ambitious, outgoing, into fitness, and gets what he wants. Minor details really are seeds that eventually grow into trees, she says.
"Love did not have a chance,’’ according to the mom living in California, US now, despite her belief in love in general. They did have their happy years and travelled to many countries. She felt stifled over time, by her man’s "imposing his preferences over everything from food to travel, lack of empathy, gaslighting, treating her career as unimportant, expecting her to cook and clean...’’. His repeated reminders about "being the provider’’ and that he "spent on her studies’’, did not help. Spotting red flags would have helped her set boundaries early on, insists Ruchi. "Even if you love a person a lot, you need to set boundaries.’’
Ruchi has, in recent years, practised 'soul distancing' with her husband. She read psychology books and watched online lectures to understand his dominance. She no longer feels victimised. "Without knowledge, you become the victim’’. They are now more of friends, says Ruchi. She now prioritises her own happiness and will not do things for him at the cost of her own. She socialises, has open conversations with friends, and has picked up hobbies. Someday, she knows her relationship will regain its sheen. Detaching happiness from togetherness to give it space to heal is therapeutic. And that’s the common word of advice from everyone I spoke to.
Be emotionally responsible
Software professionals Mary Linu, 38, and Arun Kumar, 39, mention that through their move to the US on H1B and H4 Visa and life challenges, mutual respect for each other sustained their relationship. Like any other couple, they fight over petty things, but respect persists. "We have our ups and downs. We fight and later realise we were being silly. We have felt that no matter what, this is our life and we need to make it happy for us,’’ says Arun.
These college sweethearts dated for seven years before Arun moved to the US in 2008. They went through a long-distance courtship for three years and married in 2010. When Mary’s H4 Visa application got rejected after their wedding for want of some pay slips, she was heartbroken. She spent the following months connecting with his family. And joined him at Iowa soon. Mary’s own growing up years studying away from home helped her through the settling-in phase. Arun encouraged her to study. "He said it would be a struggle, but that we can do it,’’ says Linu Mary. She is a confident woman today, content that she can contribute to the household income. "He is a giver. We both are like that,’’ says Mary. She and Arun helped his brother out through studies in the US, and Arun did not flinch when it came to helping Mary’s brother through his studies too financially. They practised emotional responsibility.
'Don't bottle up feelings'
Maya, 38 and Krishna, 41 (names changed), both software professionals from Bengaluru, married after five years of dating in 2008. Their US stay since then has been wrought with enormous challenges — both on the job and health fronts. The two of them discuss decisions extensively on matters ranging from positive parenting (of their four-year-old), to grocery shopping and the financial market, valuing each other’s opinions. Maya has an auto-immune condition that has seen her go through surgeries, painful recovery periods and drastic lifestyle changes, which she and Krishna have adapted to. Her condition has also forced them to maintain stricter social distancing protocols through the past year. Their two cents: "Life is not rosy. Accept each other with imperfections. Nobody is perfect,’’ says Krishna. "No matter what happens, stick with each other’’.
Maya puts a premium on voicing your opinion and feelings. "No point bottling up feelings, because one day it comes bursting out, which is not good.’’ She says it is important to practise inner peace and happiness to be happy in a relationship. "Our happiness cannot be dependent on another person’’.
Sustained by respect
Her thoughts are echoed by Renjitha Pillai, 44, a California-based senior technical scientist in bio-technology. "As women we should be vocal. Do not be afraid to voice your opinion. You cannot assume your man knows everything. If you are bothered about what he said, ask him why he said that.’’ Renjitha has been married to Hari Menon, Director of Software Engineering at a California firm, for 20 years. Theirs was an arranged match, but respect for each other sustained them. "Do not get me wrong. We do fight every day. But, we care for each other.’’
Hari Menon says he believes in equality in relationships. Before they tied the knot, Hari who lived in Canada, read the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. "It opened my eyes. As guys, we are never emotionally involved with anything. We do not know so many things.’’ Hari and Renjitha got married in Kerala, and moved to Canada where he actively supported her ambitions. Their passion for each other resonates throughout our conversation. "It does not feel like 20 years!’’
His advice for men, "It is time men realise you cannot make decisions for someone (in the marriage). You can discuss, but you cannot make judgements about what another person should do. You do not own them.’’ He thinks many husbands do realise it, but they prefer not changing because it is convenient for them.
They moved to the US a few years back. Renjitha says they are unafraid of expressing their love or holding hands, unlike many. "We are easy-going. I guess we are chilled out, not too regimented. That keeps us happy.’’ Through the conversation, they mention how they compliment each other a lot. "It helps that she’s hot!’’ notes Hari.
I can hear Renjitha blushing on the phone. "I know I am not the hottest person around, but I like it when he says that!’’
The writer is a New Jersey-based author of the book Visa Wives, a mom and a crafter.