The 'perfect' illusion

It happens all the time. We see someone who appears to have no worries and seems to be leading a perfect life.

This person has healthy relationships, a good job and a happy family life. His good fortune is the envy of those around him.

Then all at once the lid is blown and you discover the sad truth – he is quietly battling odds and merely presenting a brave front. What we have forgotten or failed to realise is that in an imperfect world, there is no perfect life.

Buddhist lore contains a story that points this truth out clearly and succinctly. A woman who had lost her husband was beside herself with grief. She came to Lord Gautama and cried, ‘ I do not wish to live anymore, my Lord. How can I face life without my partner? What shall I do?’

Said the Buddha, ‘ Return home, go among your people and bring me a bowl of rice from the family which has experienced no sorrow.’

The woman searched high and low for such a home but was unable to find even a single one. Little by little, she came to realise that happiness and sorrow are merely two sides of the coin called ‘Life’.

It is ironical but true that there can be no gain without pain. Take parents – their greatest treasure is their child and yet it was a gift born out of pain. What is more, they will endure every hardship that comes their way in order to ensure its happiness. If we want to succeed in life, we cannot hope to eliminate pain.

From cradle to grave, life is a series of challenges that must be met with dedication and persistence. Physical fitness comes only from exercising the body and practising self-control.

To reach intellectual eminence, one has to put in hours of work, for learning takes place only through grappling with ideas, understanding them and practising them over and over again.

Maintaining long-term relationships is a roller-coaster ride that calls for a great deal of give and take and patience. Whoever looks for a smooth ride is bound to be disappointed.

As psychiatrist Erich Fromm has said, ‘There is no falling in love, there is only standing in love.’ And this is true not of romantic love alone, but love of every kind. There are those who shy away from undertaking tasks because of the pain it involves.

However problems must be faced before they can be solved. One learns swimming not by standing at the edge of the pool, but by throwing oneself in and mastering the strokes. Only by plunging in with courage do we reach wider shores.

It is pain that causes us to stop and take stock of things. Pain, whether physical or mental, prompts us to look at things differently and is the beginning of change.

We recognise that something somewhere is wrong and begin to change direction. We also learn to sympathise with others more effectively, to lend a helping hand and to adopt a more forgiving attitude.

Treading the spiritual path involves sacrifice and pain. As we know from the lives of great saints, the road to enlightenment is a rough and troubled one.

However, it is “when we come close to things that break us down, that we come close to those which break us open. In that breaking, we uncover our true nature.”