'I don't want to fail'

 My studies were above average before I joined my engineering. I don’t know why but I started flunking in a few subjects in engineering. I lost a few of my friends due to this.

One of my friends teases me often. I feel very bad and ashamed of myself. However, I am determined to clear the back subjects in the next semester. Even though I have tried my best to pass with a good percentage every semester, I have not been successful. My parents yell at me and sometimes say that I’m capable of doing well but I am not putting in my efforts. I feel depressed when they yell and make me remember my failure. Then I remember the words, ‘Failure is an event, not a person’ and console myself. I never thought my future would be so dark. My aggregate is around 70% in engineering. Will I get a good placement, keeping into account my engineering performance?

Of late, I am dreaming of becoming an IPS officer after my engineering. Could my backlogs in engineering cause a bad impression and would I be entitled to pursue IPS. Also I am committed to a girl of my age. Please let me know how many years does it take to do IPS so that I can promise her the number of years she needs to wait to marry me. I don’t have a cell or anything that causes distractions and I use the computer (very old though) very rarely.

Depressed Student

Dear Depressed Student,

I am going to pick a few statements from your question that need attention.

i. I don’t know why but I started flunking in a few subjects in engineering.

I believe you must try and find out why you are failing in these subjects. For if you do not know, what will you work on to change the situation? You may put in a lot of hard work, but if it is not the right type of effort it will take you nowhere. Try to analyse your mistakes or go to your professor / lecturer and find out what you can do to improve.

ii. I lost a few friends due to this. One of my friends teases me. I feel bad and ashamed.
True friends stick to each other in good times and bad times. These friends appear to be ‘fair weather’ friends and I think you can cheerfully thank God for giving you an opportunity to know your genuine friends. As for feeling bad and ashamed when teased, look at the positive. Perhaps, it is a wake up call to put in your best effort.

iii. Parents yell at me and make me remember my failure in the exams.

Parents should not yell but at the same time you need to keep in mind that they most probably are feeling helpless and do not know what else to do but yell. I suggest, that the three of you sit down to have a family conference. The points on the agenda could be as follows:

· My feelings when I fail
· My feeling when you yell
· Your feelings when I do not do well
· If we were to start over again, what will we do differently?
· Practical solutions to solve the problem
iv. I am dreaming of becoming an IPS Officer.

I can give you all the details on the procedure to becoming an IPS officer, at the same time I don’t want to. I want you to make the effort to find out. There are many ways to do it, here are a few. Read up about it on the Internet or in career books. One small hint – you have to answer the UPSC exams. Meet a couple of IPS officers and get a perspective from them – they will talk of their experience and will also be able to tell you the advantages and disadvantages of being a police officer.

Once you have the information, pass it on to the girl you are committed to. Please keep in mind, that she will wait for you only if she finds you worthy of her love.

v. I use the computer rarely.

Could this be the reason for your flunking? I cannot imagine how one can be a Computer Science student and yet use the computer rarely. I sincerely hope your statement was not for your studies.

In conclusion – there are flashes of determination in your question. Keep going – don’t give up.

Dear Madam,

I am a 19-year-old girl. I have lost a year in my 10th. I study hard and want to get good marks but every time I fail. I was a private candidate for my 2nd PUC. This time I thought I will pass with good marks but I failed. I don’t want to study anymore but my parents want me to try this time too. I know I will fail but what should I do about my parents? I want to be happy and make my parents happy like my brother and sister but I cannot. I don’t want to try again. I don’t know what to do now.

S

Dear S

I read this beautiful story by Margaret Parkin and thought I should share it with you. Read it and reflect on it.

The Ball of Wool

I wanted to knit myself a sweater with a sunflower on it, and when I asked for some wool, my mother directed me to the old cloth bag under the stairs. It was into this cloth bag that over the years, my mother put all the remains from sweaters, scarves, cardigans and gloves that she had knitted. When I opened the bag – what a mess! All the individual bits of wool had tangled themselves together into one huge knot. ‘It’s hopeless!’ I wailed to my mother. ‘All the wool is tangled up together. I can’t possible knit a sweater with that. How could I even start to untangle it all?’

‘It’s easier than you think,’ said mother. ‘All you do is look for the easiest knot. When you undo that, the next knot will be easier. And when you undo that, the next knot will be easier too. Just keep going, until all the wool is unravelled.’ I did as my mother told me to, and started to undo the first knot, and then the second knot and then the third. Sooner than I thought, the wool started to loosen and different colours emerged.

First I worked on the red wool, then on the yellow wool. Then I worked on the green wool and the grey wool. Very soon, instead of one huge knot I had a number of neat balls of wool in front of me. ‘You see,’ said my mother, smiling, ‘it’s easier than you think. Now you can start to knit your sweater.’ As I started to knit, the pattern began to form. A sunflower, big and yellow and shining. ‘Who would have thought,’ I said to my mother, ‘that such a beautiful sunflower was hiding in the old cloth bag of wool?’

‘But it was there all the time,’ my mother replied, ‘it was just that you didn’t know where to look.’ I think the message in this story is relevant to you. You are feeling like all your problems are tangled up together into one huge problem and there is no way out.
It will help if you see this big problem as separate issues and work on one issue at a time. The first thing is that  -

You don’t want to try again. Look at it this way – the supplementary exams are about 45 days away. Tell yourself, I will try once more, just for these 45 days and give it my best. It does not matter what the results are. Thereafter, sit down with your parents to discuss the next step in your life. I think it will be a good idea to go to a career counsellor. You may not be brilliant in academics, however there will definitely be something you are really good at and passionate about. And once that is discovered, the wonderful you will begin to form and bloom just like the sunflower.

You have a right to be happy and that will come only when you are doing something that makes you happy and fulfiled.

‘Ask Our Counsellor’ is a tri-weekly column. If you think you need emotional counselling, you can send your queries to [e-mail]. Queries will be addressed through this column only.