Grandparenting from afar

Distance needn’t be a deterrent. So what if you don’t live in the same city, country or continent as the little love of your life? Suja Natarajan tells you how to form an everlasting bond with your grandchildren.

Nana, can we Skype tomorrow?” asks Aditi, before she hangs up. It’s a routine her nana-nani (maternal grandparents) in India wouldn’t miss for the world. Every evening before dinner, the Raos log on to their computer to get a glimpse into their granddaughter’s day. Some days the conversation keeps flowing, other days it’s short. But the channels of communication are always open. Aditi and her grandparents are very much in sync with each other.

There was a time when such familial connections were taken for granted.  Indian children grew up in the pampering company of grandparents – often,  individuals who were either too strict or busy as parents. However, as families got nuclear and separated by distance for myriad reasons, keeping everyone in sync has turned out to be a huge challenge.

Does ‘out of sight’ have to mean ‘out of mind’? Long-distance grandparents often feel left out, anxious and powerless. “I feel terrible that I can’t bond with my grandchildren. When I do visit them, we are strangers for the first few days. And it’s already time for me to leave by the time I start bonding with them,” rues Anupama Singh.

It is natural for long-distance grandparents to fret about losing their connection with grandchildren. They are concerned that the children would become strangers as time flies by.

Though nothing beats the fun and love of being around grandkids, the good news is that you can still establish a lifelong attachment with them, despite the physical distance.

“We have a tradition of calling my parents every Sunday morning. My kids have long animated conversations with my parents,” shares Manu P. Relationships are like plants that need constant nourishing and nurturing. You need to make that effort to make it work. As
family historians, grandparents are primary links, which keep the family together.

The grandchildren need their warmth and wisdom as much as they need their time and attention.  While you may not have control over external circumstances, you can always steer your relationship with your grandchildren in such a way that it keeps you  involved. Don’t resent the fact that you have to take so much trouble for keeping in touch. What seems like a big deal in the beginning quickly becomes routine. And it’s well worth the effort.

Here are some ways to bond with your grand bundle of joy even when you’re miles away:

Stay involved: Relationships may change over the years, but you can certainly keep it from growing cold and distant. As a grandparent, take an interest and be involved in your grandchildren’s lives. Bonding begins when they discover things about you. Building trust is one of the important aspects of a relationship. Be predictable. Initiate a regular communication schedule and stick to it.

With a number of astounding options on the Internet, it’s easy to keep in touch with your loved ones. While the technology may seem daunting, the ability to communicate with your grandchildren will keep you emotionally close.

Remember, you have more time to talk and listen to your grandchildren than their parents.

“I often use Skype to chat with my grandchildren who are in Oz. Besides catching up, I set up a theme for each week and read a storybook every Friday. We also exchange emails and share photographs,” says Lakshmi R, grandmother of two.

Hail the snail mail In this age of instant communication, don’t underestimate the goodness of snail mail. Maximise the impact of your sentiments with handwritten letters, notes and little bright-coloured packages. Children love to receive mail in their name. It makes them feel grown-up. Small surprises make them feel elated, special and loved.

“I remember eagerly waiting for my ajja’s (Grandpa) riddles and greeting cards. I still treasure them!” says Nishith S. Keep the notes short, as children can be overwhelmed with a long letter.

Encourage them to respond to your snail mails and gifts. Don’t feel hurt or
dismayed, though, if your grandchildren don’t respond as frequently as you’d like them to.
Make a video diary.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, a motion picture is even better! You can
create stories with a video dairy. Keep a video journal of special days and events, and share them with your grandchildren. It’s an excellent way to share nostalgic details like your favourite music, books you read, places you have travelled and the like. The keepsake will be a treasure trove of information for your grand-children and generations to come.

Similarly, ask for a video diary of your grandchildren at special events like
annual day at school and festive celebrations at home.

In case, recording a video seems overwhelming, you can record the details in a journal and send it across to your grandchildren. You can also make a photo album, with notes for each photo, to make it extra special.

Share a hobby: You and your grandchildren may not have a lot in common, but you can initiate activities where you can do things together, even when you are thousands of miles apart.

“My three-year-old granddaughter loves collecting shells. So, I collect them
whenever I travel and give it to her when we visit her. We spend a lot of time
making conch jewellery together,” says Vimala R.How about starting a gardening
project with the little one? Or coin collection or rock collection? Whatever it is that you choose, you need to devise ways in which you both can send each other regular updates and photos. You can also support their interests by sending across books, magazines and small gifts.

Plan visits

Nothing is better than creating memories in person. Make plans in advance to visit your grandchildren - for special events and occasions, if not often. Make the most of your visits. Create excitement and plan the various activities during your trip with your grandchildren.

This way, they’ll look forward to meeting you. Make the visit memorable by doing a project together – something the kids can continue with, even after you leave.

Talk to the parents

Communication with your children is a critical factor necessary to bridge the
distance between you and your grandkids. Without the involvement of parents, forming a relationship with the grandchildren can be a challenge. Parents can help you stay updated.

Don’t let unrealistic expectations and generation gap come in the way of your relationship with your children and their spouses. Trust their judgment and give them space. Nothing can replace the unconditional love of a grandparent. So, don’t let distance pay spoilsport.