The inconspicuous cost of caregiving

Sometime in March, after a cold evening walk, Pippi flopped on his bed and showed no inkling to get into the car to go to the convenience store. As I wrote in April, after our move to a new city and a new home, he’s been a bit of a velcro — wanting to stick around us everywhere we go and refusing to stay at home. Plus, he absolutely loves car rides. So, when he chose to stay back, we were surprised.

The two-minute ride without Pippi in the back was dramatically serene — and for the first time in years — we enjoyed the city lights without streaks of anxiety. Pippi gets extremely stimulated by sight. On most car rides, the view of the bustling roads from the car seat can turn the bow-wow radio on! For about 10 minutes, while my husband navigates the road, I’m busy helping him settle down and enjoy the ride sitting on his seat. Although there was a blizzard that evening without Pippi, our car, our heads and our life had a sense of calm for a few minutes. I must confess, I did not miss him.

We both absolutely love Pippi to bits and we are grateful for having him in our lives. Is it then possible to not miss him — in fact be happy about it — and enjoy a few minutes guilt-free? In that conversation my husband and I were having in the car, I realised the toll caring for our pets can take on pet parents, especially those with furry friends who need the extra help to thrive in life. It’s a given that our lives revolve around our pets. Could it be in our and our pets’ best interests to recognise, acknowledge and accept the concoction of emotions that come with caregiving?

Caregiving is hard. It is tiring. Whether you are caring for an animal, a kid or an adult, the psychological, physical and emotional demands that come with it can lead to chronic stress. Psychologists call this ‘caregiver burnout syndrome’. However “well-behaved” your pets are, it’s a commitment of 10-15 years to bond with them, feed them, take care of their health, be responsible for their actions and show up for them whenever they need us.

Studies show that pet parents with pets that need extra help — either because they are old and sick or have challenges coping with our world — can feel like being on the edge all the time. They can be irritable, miss showing up for family moments or social responsibilities, and neglect self-care. To make things worse, no matter how hard they try, a sense of guilt about not doing enough envelopes them all the time.

But, unless one is a pet parent who understands their pets’ needs and challenges, it is hard to fathom what caregiving can look like for pets and why it can be difficult. After all, how hard is it to feed an animal and keep it at home? Turns out, in a world where human-human companionship is increasingly being replaced with human-animal companionship, the stakes are high. Not everyone is cut out for caregiving — be it financially, emotionally or physically. There’s a reason why tens of millions of pets each year end up in animal shelters and some are put to sleep.

The first step is to ask ourselves if we are ready for the challenge of caregiving. Pets enrich our lives and make us a better version of ourselves. Bringing them into our lives is easy, and rescuing an animal sounds like a noble deed. But, it is wise to know that it is a roller coaster ride. Once we realise the toll of caregiving in our lives, there’s no shame in asking for understanding and help — be it from family, friends, other pet parents or from people who provide services like dog walking or pet sitting. Thankfully, there is an increasing tribe of people offering such services, some with education and knowledge about how to do this right.

Finally, I think it is worth acknowledging our own feelings and frustrations that come with caregiving and how we cope with it. On our ride back that evening without Pippi, it felt relieving to have had some time without our dog on our minds — but not for long. By the time we got home, we were already missing our bow-wow radio!

Tailspin is your monthly column on everything that’s heartwarming and annoying about pet parenting.

The writer is a science communicator and mom to Pippi, a five-year-old rescued Indie, who is behind her drive to understand dogs better. She tweets @RamanSpoorthy